Heroes and Villains continued… the Ticket Tout.

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Ticket touts, love them or hate them, they’ve been a part of football for a very long time. Some would see them as taking tickets away from genuine fans, whereas I see a tout as filling a gap in a market, entrepreneurs  who supply a demand.

I started touting tickets at Arsenal home games in 1971 when I was 17 years old. Me and my mate Eddie knew a tout called ‘good looking’ John from Hoxton, ironic really because he was an ugly bastard. He arranged introductions to Fat Stan Flashman and that’s how we got started. It was a good earner and along with a couple of other scams we were involved in, meant that we always had money in our pockets. In the early stages we only concentrated on Arsenal games but it wasn’t long before we started working at other London grounds. It could get a bit dodgy at times, where some fairly tough heavies would approach us and warn us off from their patch, but it never progressed from threats to violence.

Unlike another scheme we got involved in, Fly Posting, now that could get heavy at times. There was good money to be earned from record companies for putting up posters around London so some largish gangs developed. Eddie and I worked alone so had no back up if things got violent. On a couple of occasions we were caught by other fly posters, posting over their work and consequently, we suffered a few right handers plus the bastards would take all our posters and our buckets and paste. We didn’t stay in that game for long, the risks were too high. So we branched out with tickets for music concerts, other sporting events and film premiers. Flashman could get tickets for anything so once a week we would visit his office in Kings Cross and negotiate bulk deals on tickets. He’d be sitting behind a massive desk with several telephones in front of him which never stopped ringing.

The police generally cast a blind eye to touting but on one occasion we were working in Leicester Square, selling tickets for a film premier. Unbeknown to us on that evening, some fake tickets had been sold and the cinema had called the police. When they arrived Eddie and me were the only touts working so they arrested us for supplying fake tickets. However, when they got us to the police station, on examination our tickets turned out to be kosher. The bastards still charged us though for touting and we were to appear at Bow Street Magistrates Court the following morning. But to show you how the police viewed touts, they gave us back all our tickets and gave us one hour to return to Leicester Square and sell them.

The following morning we turned up at Bow Street MC expecting a small fine, fifteen or twenty quid maximum. The magistrate though had clearly not slipped his missus one that morning and was in a foul mood. He looked at us and said, Mr K and Mr D, the police report says that  you had in  your possession over £1200 between you, you are clearly earning a great deal of money from this deplorable activity, I will therefore hit you where it will hurt most, you are fined £150 each, to be paid immediately. We were fuming and calling him all sorts of names under our breath.

Now days, ticket touting is done mainly through the internet and has become an even bigger business, generating something like £1bn in Britain in 2014 and tickets for big games can go for £4000 – £5000. As long as tickets have been acquired lawfully, I see it as an honest transaction. If there is a demand, there will always be ticket resellers earning a profit.

Interestingly, Eddie and me used to sell all our tickets at Highbury and then we’d pay a couple of quid to a geezer at the turnstile to let us into the Upper East Stand. We’d wait for the game to start and then take two empty seats. On only one occasion did the rightful seat owners turn up and we had to consequently move.  Despite how people may view what we were doing, for us it was a good laugh and a nice little earner. We didn’t see anything wrong in it and ultimately, people without tickets managed to get to see a game.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo. Matchday and the Orcs are in town. We need to avenge the physical mauling we received in Mordor a couple of months ago. I want to see Sanchez rip these bastards apart. Enjoy the game where ever you are, until the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, a free Sunday supplement for you to enjoy over breakfast. If it was 1971 I’d probably be working out ways to profit from it. But times and people can change for the good.


139 thoughts on “Heroes and Villains continued… the Ticket Tout.

  1. 3-0 to us

    NB for a ex ticket tout, you can’t get tickets for Monaco ahead of the posse……what can I say? 🙂

  2. Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

    People do not decline mentally with age. It just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so too do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

    Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.

    The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information. Over time, the brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

    Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

    SO THERE!!

    I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names…

    So please forward it to your friends; they may be my friends too.

  3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.

    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

    That’s when the fight started…

  4. Great story NB you have certainly led a colourful life.
    I believe a book about the “Calli boys” would make good reading.
    I’m sure you could get some kids to tout it around the streets of Islington.

  5. My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.

    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

    “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

    I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

    That’s when the fight began …

  6. I rear-ended a car this morning … the start of a really bad day!

    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’

    So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?”

    That’s how the fight started

  7. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds.”

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started….

  8. My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

    She asked, “What’s on the TV?”

    I said, “Lots of dust”.

    And then the fight started..

  9. My wife was at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk
    swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, “Do you know him?”

    “Yes”, she sighed, he’s my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we
    split up years ago, and hasn’t been sober since.”

    “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

    And then the fight started…

  10. brilliant stuff, NB. 🙂

    and brilliant stuff, GN5. 🙂

    taking me far too long to settle down. I blame it on age. 😛

  11. Good morning my bosom buddies 🙂

    Great game yesterday, played well, Theo looking a bit rusty, if he’d had his usual sharpness he would have scored. Gutted for debooshy, the Stoke player should be punished for that push.
    Anyway, let’s start the day with something that Chas can’t post on the AA site:

  12. Great stuff NB. Before I got my season ticket there were times I bought from touts – even went to Stan Flashman’s flat a couple of times though I can’t recall why – must be too much information in this ageing brain!

    I used to wait until the match had started and then negotiate with the touts – never worked & I could easily have been bartering with you.

  13. Morning All
    Definitely better than Eddie’s rack of the day.

    If you can make a woman laugh, you are nearly there…..If you are nearly there and a woman laughs…thats a completely different story. 🙂

  14. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift

    The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

    When she asked me why, I replied,

    “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

    And that’s how the fight started…..

  15. My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

    ‘No,’ she answered.

    I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’

    She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

    So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

    And that’s when the fight started…

  16. I took my wife to a restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

    He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

    “Nah, she can order for herself.”

    And that’s when the fight started…..

  17. I read that Hackers International are targeting ISIS, the irony of 12 virgins getting a terrorist. 🙂

  18. Morning me
    They say a woman’s work is never done, which presumably is why they get paid less than men.
    Just a thought. 🙂

  19. Very nice 69, almost like an ancient Greek youth. hahaha

    I feel generous today, so will allow Michael to practice on her. As long as ime allowed to watch whilst donning my straight jacket and gimp mask that is.

  20. Love the clip !.
    The Bounds Green Roman Greco Association Pre-Olympic Trials !…….well that’s the excuse Telly Savalas gave Stretch when he walked in on Telly and Stretches missus playing a well known Greek swingers party game called ….” Kojak and the hidden Lollipop ! “………………..but hey !……this is Telly Savalas we`re talking about and you`re not going to argue with a legend and he did generously donate his and Stretches wife`s shaven hair for the making of a new syrup !…………Luckily for me that Stretch didn`t come in a minute later !….Telly was just about to tag me in the wardrobe !.

    Je Suis Cockie !

  21. hahaha Cornwall

    You cant say no to Telly mate, especialy when he gets his fat brother George to sit on you whilst hes shagging your Mrs

    “Hey hey hey Transplant, who loves yer baby.I havent had such a good hump since I booked that crack whore in the Bronxxx, Hey George, keep him still yer fat slug, I dont want him getting up and cramping my style, I got this cock extender for $5000 dollars from some snitch in Brooklyn, know what i mean?

    I thought the worse was over Cornwall, but……

    “Heeyy Transplant, dont yer worry your hairy ass, yous gona get some humping to. My fat brother George is gona love yer baby. He likes getting head down 42nd street, yer know what i mean Transplant..

    “Heeeyyyy, dont cry Transplant. George is gona stick his Lollipop in yer, know what I mean Transplant?”


  22. Morning NB
    Tonight is my last night, then freedom. 🙂
    6″ of snow at my place and about 3 in the city….everything comes to a stand still..chaos. Haven’t had this much for about 15 years.
    Mondays hottie would be my first choice to smd till my head caved in. 🙂

  23. Hold on a sec` !………everyone is saying to Michael to enjoy his last night at work, but for all we know his job might be that of a ……..pussy shaver !…..or pussy licker ! (to keep them moist during porno filming breaks) or nipple licker ! ( to keep them erect during porno filming breaks ) and may be distraught at the thought of not carrying on with his work !. You uncaring bastards !.

    So Michael….what was your actual job ?

    Michael:…..” Well Cockie…..you`re quite close actually !……..My job was too keep the porno studs cocks stiff during porno filming breaks !…………this I did by sucking and strangling the life out of the bastards until riga mortis set in !.”

  24. Is this your attempt Cockie to stop the Rack of the Day and introduce Arsenal Shirt of the Day?

    Nice attempt 🙂

    You will be jealous to know that I have done some body painting on naked women, beats a canvas any day 😀

  25. You fucking lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky bastard !. 😆

    A much better employment than Michaels attempt !. 😆

  26. Bloody hell 69, how can you do that and not get yourself arrested?

    I can barely look at a fit bird without imagining having sex with her

    As you can imagine. i am never invited to social events and have no friends. hahaha

  27. ha ha Transplant, I do that as well, the knack to getting away with it is I wear a technicians coat, hides all bulges. I once had to paint trousers on three naked women, plus shirts and ties on the upper parts, for a restaurant opening in Avignon. Once in London I painted Sunflowers on the front of a womans body for the launch of Elizabeth Ardens new ‘Sunflower’ perfume. I’ll let you imagine where the centre of a couple of the sunflowers were 🙂
    I wish I could get more work like that, but those jobs come along rarely.

  28. The alternative is too turn up at a knocking shop with easel, paint and brushes and just pay for their services !. I`m sure they would rather you painted on their body other than come inside it !……..the easel`s to rest your cock on whilst resting !.

  29. Just to confirm my curious nature `69er……….I`m guessing with my “Kit of the Day”, that if you were doing the painting, that you would take a lot longer on her knockers than on her arm pit !………………………..I do have a tendency to state the bloody obvious, but you may have an arm pit fetish !. hahaha

  30. I tell you what !…….with my essential tremor condition….there would be a right mess if I was painting !. hahaha

  31. ” Wear a Technicians Coat”, hahahahaha, were do I get one 69?

    Cornwall, thats were weve been going wrong mate. We get ourselves some of those Technician Coats to go with the rubber cosh and Wenger masks, we can get all the armpits we want. hahaha

  32. Morning NB
    I can’t believe this day has finally arrived. Thanks for all the good wishes, this if it works sums it up, well the title anyway. 🙂

    No NB number1 shades it. :

  33. Come on `69er !…….I just see on AA that Rasp is giving you the chance to publish Eddies post !…….do it, as the curious is killing me !. hahaha

  34. Cockie

    I’ve given Eddie the chance to post here, I haven;t got a problem with a provocative post, if Eddie is passionate enough about it, that;s good enough for me 🙂

  35. Get her to post and then let her be the first person ever banned on `sorearse for the excessive use of knuckledustering !. hahaha

  36. Whaaaaatt, have a bird post on Sorearse? I know I give it the bigun, but if a real women comes on here I will shit myself

    Probably go silent for a couple of days, though thats probably what you bastards want, and end up getting confused when reading your “hilarious” conversations with her.

    Eventually, will start posting again, but if she communicates with me will give her the equivalent of a blogging nervous giggle and dead arm

    Then probably log off and have a wank. hahaha

  37. I`m absolutely with you on the free speech, `69er !. People don’t need to read someone`s comment and as for someone`s “mums test”……well, I think my stance on that is quite clear if you understand what I mean when I say I have fucked plenty of someone`s mums over the years !. hahaha

  38. Sooo quiet on the western front. NB asleep, Eddie’s disappeared from AA, and the incendiary post nowhere to be seen. Natives restless that 1 of THEM would post on a men only site. 🙂
    This can only mean it’s the quiet before the storm, bring it on I say…Anarchy rules OK. 🙂

    Teacher. Johny how do you spell Anarchy
    Little Johny. Anyway I fucking want.

  39. Congrats upon the retirement Michael. A distant dream for me as I spent all my money on drink, drugs and women rather than save for a pension.

    Still don’t know if I made the right decision but too late to worry now 😦

    Like the Monday lady best. She looks like a keeper whereas the others are more short term pleasures.

  40. Thanks BR, I’m expecting a bumpy conversion to a state pension style of life to begin with.
    But with an internet connection, wine and home made gloucoma medicine, if I’m missing out on anything I’ll hardly care. 🙂
    Mondays child is by far the best… strange how picky we become, when we have absolutely no chance this side of a lottery win.

  41. Raddy,

    If my memory serves me correctly this is roughly a quote from Georgie Best.

    Most of my money was spent on drink, drugs and women – and I also wasted some.

  42. Happy Retirement Michael

    You are very fortunate my Irish based friend.

    According to my calculations, extensively analysed using logarithms and net present values, I am doomed to snuff it on the job. Which wouldn’t be bad if I was a Porn star, but unfortunately I have a very small cock.

    Two major factors influencing my predetermined demise are (1) Two money grabbing Professional Crones that have made me officially skint, and, (2) Been a bubble I will have to continue giving my kids, who are half English and the only time behave Greek is when asking me for cash, pocket money, only stopping after several post mortem inquests proving death.

  43. If my Badge of the Day looks a bit small, you may have to click on it to see what looks to be like a nice pearl necklace she is wearing !.

  44. Bloody hell Cockie, that last one os a fecking monster, I really do hope that doesn’t represent your taste in women, TRansplant yes, but not you, I would hope you had more taste 🙂

  45. ha ha ha, I’ve just checked my stats and viewings have peaked dramatically…. must have been the anticipation of an Eddie post. chuckle, she thought I was just after her e mail address with the offer to post her article, as if 🙂

  46. Yes !……they are both Monsters, but I had to give you some insight into deranged psychological world of our Terrence !. If he wasn`t a dodgy fucking accountant, he`d probably be selling the Big Issue out side Bounds Green Station and feeding his dog Greek style yoghurt from his zipper !.

  47. Morning labia lickers 🙂

    The vote this week for the best Rack of the Day went to this lovely thing, and rightly so. It was even suggested she would be suitable for a long term relationship rather than just a quicky:

  48. NB
    There is no way dirty Eddie hasn’t visited here….did you ever know a woman that wasn’t nosey? 🙂

  49. ha ha michael

    I’m sure the little minx has had a peek 🙂

    Have you started twiddling your thumbs yet, wondering what you are gonna do with all this time on your hands… or have you been in the bookies all day 🙂

  50. Hello everyone.Just popped in.
    100% agree about the rack of the day winner. Exactly my type. Not flashy or slutty yet I bet a whore in the bedroom.The perfect combination with beautifully formed breasts.

    As to that other monstrosity,please take it off the site.It’s enough to make a straight guy go gay.

  51. Oh well, lets try this photo and it is one which will probably get binned even on this freedom of speech site !. hahaha
    It is imo hilarious but also shocking and took a lot of undercover work as a investigative reporter checking out the initiation ceremony of the inner sanctum of AA !. To cover my self from libel proceedings, I have changed the names of the characters and any similarity is just coincidental !.

    Here we have “Je Suis Chas ” and “Micky Spunked It”, initiating ” Little Raddy” !. hahahaha

    Will there ever be a more outrageous Arsenal linked photo ?….I doubt it, but I have been known to be outrageous in the past !. hahaha

  52. hahaha, that geezer on the floor looks like one my neighbours. I would love it if it was. I would blackmail the Bastard, hes get a very good looking wife

    He dont look like hes enjoying it? Must be a Totnumb fan

  53. hahaha Stretch….great minds !…….It was a toss up ( pun intended ) between a Totnumb fan being humiliated by Gooners or an AA initiation ceremony joke !….. giving my past history on AA, I thought it was an opportunity to put something up which I would have loved to have put up on AA, but we know they would have choked on their WI Village fete cucumber sandwiches !. hahaha

  54. On this freedom of speech site….I think we have all learned something from the events in Paris last week…How to spell “I am” in french. 🙂

  55. I have noticed something about you Cornwall. Years later you still carry the urge to exact revenge. I like it. hahaha

    I to have learned something Michael. We are all one step away from the 24/7 wearing of pyjamas and conversing with people whilst our hand is inside them. hahaha

  56. Actually !, I reckon that photo would make a great headline post and bring in a vast amount of hit`s if not comments !.
    What sort of headline guys for that photo ?.

    ” London Colney initiation ceremony for Krystian Bielik !”

    “Arsenal practice a goal scoring celebration ! ”

    ” Arsenal practice a new penalty routine !”

    ” Transfer negotiations begin for the re-signing of Van Persie !”

    ” Szczesny organising Per and Kos on how to defend corners !”

    “Kroenke and Gazidis infuriated by Arsenes transfer in-activity !”

  57. Good Morning self abusers 🙂

    It seems that Cockies labia woman has reached AA in the comments ha ha ha. But it was too horrible to keep on here even… to be honest Glic, it was a horror. I like to try and be free minded and allowing everything goes, but there is a limit. You’re problem with Cockie Monster avatar may have something t do with how I disposed of the offending labia invasion. Try again, and let me know 🙂

  58. Terry, I notice you sometimes spell ime instead of the more usual I’m, this may appear as a simple spelling mistake to the unenlightened. However having quickly flicked through Psychiatry for Dummies I’m inclined to believe it’s a symptom of Post Gramatic Stress Disorder…. That being the case I’m here for you brother. 🙂
    Posted here as it’s football on AA

    Happy birthday Kelsey, may you have many better ones.

  59. Yes !.

    Happy Birthday Kelsey !.
    What labia woman are you on about, `69er ?…….was it the old naked biddy with the floppy tits who looked like Arsene , that I tried to put on last night ?.
    It was more about the comment with it than the photo !……anyway, the initiation photo is a cracker isn`t it !. Best ever !…….and the shirts make it Arsenal related ! hahaha

    Je Suis Bastard !.

  60. You know what, 69er !………..it was one of those moments when you thought you had discovered the winning lottery numbers ! . hahaha
    I was doing my normal google thing of looking for some images of half naked women in Arsenal shirts when I came across it !….I couldn`t believe my luck of them being in Arsenal shirts !…..had they not had the Arsenal shirts on, I wouldn`t have gave it a second glance !….but of all the football shirts they could have had on, they were Arsenal ones !.
    You must use it when we play the Spuds !…….with some sort of caption….”Spuds fan taking the piss out of Arsenal fans !”. hahaha

  61. Cockie, I like your selfie! 🙂 In fact, it is very clever. let me explain.

    until some time back, I was a big champion of freedom of speech and expression. In fact, I was also a big supporter of Larry Flynt and The Hustler. 🙂

    Since then, some things have changed. I saw the rovolting head chopping scenes from Playboy Entertainment’s Caligula (is that entertainment? for whom?), I saw films like The Audition, I even saw some self harm and suicide vids posted on Youtube and FB.

    And then I began to wonder, is it really worth it? How much offence and disgust do you have to produce in other people to make it not socially acceptable? Can you justify anything in the name of entertainment, frredom of expression or art?

    What about the Sony Pictures film on the North Korean leader? As I see it, the only objective of making such a film is trying to be offensive to other peoples. What about Charlie Hebdo?

    Now, Cockie’s selfie comes in here. What now, all of us closet PC freedom of expression upholders? I feel that, in society, it just cannot be right to deliberately offend other people. It should not be right. There is something wrong with society where some people feel compelled to offend other people. It is a strange world. Alas! 😦

  62. arnie !………I wish that was a selfie, as believe me, there are a few Spuds I`d like to do that to !. hahaha

    In defence and the mitigating circumstances are…………they had Arsenal shirts on !. 😆

    I have a better one ready for the Spud match !.

    Je Suis Spud taking the piss !.

  63. Arnie

    You do raise some very valid points. But I think to truly understand the issue of freedom of speech and expression, we have to ask the question: Where should we draw the line? Because as soon as that question is put into practice, democracy and freedom becomes eroded.

    I think for the sake of freedom of speech, we have to put up with the bizarre and weird and downright offensive. There is no in-between stance, it’s all or nothing.

  64. PS
    You`re right, arnie, it cant be right to deliberately offend people !……………………..but !!!………..we are talking Totnumb fans and I doubt if there is one Arsenal fan who will not get aroused at offending the Spuds !….hahaha……and I do love a bit of satire !. 😀

  65. Never heard of Charlie Hebdo until last week, but I have always loved programmes such as …Mock the Week….The Now Show (Radio 4 ) etc etc and they all mock satirically anything that moves in the news !.
    Humour is what it is….humour !….and imo, should only be taken as that !. Trying to analyse it to be anything other is too deep for someone like me. I just write in a light hearted way, there`s no ulterior motive, it`s all banter and nothing else !.

    Je Suis Fruit and Nut . 😆

  66. I bet it`s all mouth and knuckledusters !. hahaha
    It better be something juicy and not a let down after all the intrigue about it !.

  67. Talking of Satire………Arjen Robben is on newsnow saying he was bitten by a Crocodile !………the Croc` is now undergoing counselling for post traumatic stress disorder !.

  68. Got to go and lay down !………..all the fucking results went against us today, I feel depressed and cant even be bothered to have a wank over your ex-wives niece !. hahaha

  69. Satire is brilliant, and the British are brilliant in satire, particularly the English. Let us not glorify offensive literature by comparing it with satire, IMHO. 🙂

    The definition os satire is Punch.

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