GunnersoreArse…… resurrected!

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog… being blogged 918.74 kms (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Well here we are then, smooth as ever!

When I decided to stop doing this blog a couple of months ago it wasn’t because I’d given up, it was purely based on the fact I had a shit internet connection and wasn’t able to maintain a connection long enough to write a 800-1000 word article. However, I now have a decent network wi-fi connection and have decided to bring the Weekly Smut infested Arsenal Tabloid back to life. I sincerely hope that the few faithful followers and commentators who contributed before, return to enliven the blog with their humour, intellect and photos of naked women bearing their breasts.

So the new season will be upon us in three weeks time, but before the home game against West Ham we have the small matter of the Emirates Cup and then the Community Shield game against the Chavs.  Will this be the opportunity to break the Maureen hoodoo? With the talk currently emanating from the mouths of some of our players, the title could be ours this season, which would mean we have to beat the Chavs, City and United along the way. Old Petra, 33 in years and 33 on his back is being highlighted as one reason for such optimism, could one player make such a difference? Could he instil more confidence in the defence and the team in general? could he possibly keep more clean sheets than TPIG and Ospina?

All speculation but enjoyable none the less. Will be strange however, to see that helmet in the Arse!

We have lifted our first piece of silverware in the last few days, the Asia Cup is now in the trophy room alongside our two recent FA Cups. Only friendlies of course but the game against Everton was more of a premier League game than just a friendly and we put in a good shift, with the pundits being surprised at how well prepared we looked.

So what other speculation and rumour is doing the rounds in the gossip mags and on the blogs. Too many to even contemplate on here, though the need for backup to Le Coq au Vin is high on the list of priorities and the need for another striker who could bag us 25-30 goals in a season is not far behind on that list. Personally I’d like to see Lacazette come to the Emirates, not a glamorous £60m curly haired male model type player, but instinctive in front of goal, has a lethal right foot and is not afraid to take a punt from 30 yards. I like him!

You can keep your Cavanis, Foulcows, Benzemas and Higuans, all over-priced and over-rated….. but give me Alexandre Lacazette and I would be a happy bunny, 27 goals in 33 league games in Ligue 1 is not to be sniffed at that’s for sure. He reminds me of Thierry and I’m sure he has watched loads of videos of our Arsenal legend to improve his attacking play. And speaking of Thierry, he got some press time this week saying.

“I still think they (Arsenal) need four players to get closer to Chelsea.”

What four players he didn’t elaborate, nor did he mention in what positions we needed these four players! So read nothing into it, just the media having a laugh.

Onto other teams news, Liverpool have got rid of Sterling for…… £49m, just couldn’t believe that. City has bought a dud me thinks, another Andy Carrol maybe? Makes me wonder how much our Theo would be worth in today’s market?

Loo is Van Girl apparently has £300m plus burning a hole in his trousers pocket, to spend on idiotic purchases and I sincerely think that he will blow it all on rubbish. Sniddyland and Schwienkopf have already been purchased, one is past it and the other really hasn’t proved much at Southampton, wasted money I think.

Stoke are aiming high in the transfer window and they have a mission statement, ‘Europe or bust’. Ha ha ha, best joke I’ve heard this year. Chavs seem to be fairly quiet on the transfer front, Foulcow on loan and possibly Bergovic to replace Petra, but nothing else seems to be happening in the wastelands of SW6.

And lets just take a look into the deep shadows of N17, a new stadium planned, or should I say toilet! And because it will apparently hold a few hundred more fans than the Emirates they are spouting that it is bigger… bloody twats. My advice is don’t hold your breath and if it does finally get built, look on the bright side, just remember how our trophy winning days were put on hold after the expense of building the Emirates, which probably means that when the new Shite Hart Lane construction is complete, the Spuds will probably be relegated. There were reports yesterday that the Spuds request to use Wembley during the construction of their new toilet had been turned down and now there could be a possibility of them sharing our hallowed ground in N5. I sincerely hope this is a joke rumour, no way do we want them anywhere near the Ems, let them play in Milton Keynes or share the Olympic stadium with West Ham, much more appropriate.

Back to more interesting stuff… The Gunners. It would seem from all reports that our best signing this year has not been a player, but a Paddy physio. Some are suggesting that he will be able to perform miracles and keep all our players fit, all of the time and all together. The last time I read about someone like that it was in the Bible. Well if he could win ze World Cup for ze Germans perhaps he can win the CL for us!

So three weeks to go, a period where we are all full of hope and optimism (well most of us anyway), a new season and a renewed push for honours. Although I would love to see us win the Champions League, as much for Monsieur Vengers sake as much as for my own desires, I still think that that will be a bridge too far with our current players. However, and I seriously mean this, I can envisage us doing the League and Cup double, and in the process making history with a third FA Cup in a row….. now wouldn’t that get up the noses of Van Pervy, Nasri and co.

Meanwhile, over in Russia… our Frimpong has been sanctioned for giving the finger to fans who were shouting racist abuse at him.

Ufa general director Shamil Gazizov said his club would not be calling for Spartak to be punished, describing it as an “unfortunate incident”.

“There were people who could have shouted things. These are emotions which go away after the game. We are partners with the red and whites and are on good terms,” he said.

“What Frimpong did was wrong. Sometimes you even have to hold back the tears and just put up with it.”

But in March former head of Russian football Vyacheslav Koloskov said too much is made of racism in the country and has also questioned why monkey chants are assumed to be racist. Do these people live in a bubble?

This is where quite a few black players will be playing in the 2018 World Cup! No wonder they are thinking of boycotting it.

Final business of the day: The blog is as before, everything is acceptable unless the Editorial team or one of the contributors/commentators says differently. Smut is allowed but keep it within reason (you wankers out there know who you are). No close up photos of Labia or crutch parts! The blog will continue to be published as before, every Sunday morning at or around 9am BST (Illness, natural disasters, civil unrest, world war, alcohol abuse, police arrest or imprisonment permitting). Come back guys and girls, to the warm glow of a Gunners Sore Arse, contribute and make your Arsenal life more interesting, you know it makes sense.

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75 thoughts on “GunnersoreArse…… resurrected!

  1. Morning Le Coq Lovers and Le Coq Suckers !. 😆

    Lacazette !……not to be sniffed at !. I heard that French women powder their furry cups with pepper!……well that`s not to be sniffed at !.
    This may shock a few !…..I actually believe we don’t need anymore signings !, as I think we are as strong as anyone…but !…and this is a Beyoncé sized BUTT !……that`s if we have an injury free season !……well we all know that`s as likely as Transplant sniffing at Arsene`s peppered cock !……Atishoo ….atishoo…atishoo !……bless you Stretch !.

    A rather subdued photo from myself !.

  2. Is that what Michael from Limerick is doing in his retirement ?…….Off for a 4 mile run !…Giroud hairstyle….fit fcuking body….David Cassidy looks ( well, when I was 20 ! )…..no wonder I cant pull Eddie !. hahaha

  3. ‘morning Soixante-Neuf and Cockie, welcome back GunnersoreArse, I’m sure the blog has been missed, a bit, by someone, maybe. 😀

    I know nothing about the guy you want Wenger to sign but if he’s a striker and can score goals we could do with him.

    While watching yesterday’s win over the Toffees I thought how we might have had a few more goals if only someone had taken a few pot-shots from outside the area. It all got a bit to intricate at times.

    The Frimpong situation is an absolute disgrace. The guy got red carded for giving the finger to some racists in the crowd who were making monkey chants. What’s worse the authorities actually both deny it was racist and that poor old Frimpers should have swallowed it.

    Keep up the good work.

  4. Morning NG

    I agree about some of our play yesterday, went back to some tippy tappy plus at one point from defence there was a short chip out from the back four (can’t remember who it was) which went straight to an Everton player and they were attacking again. But then again, our quick counter attacking game has improved dramatically.

  5. Morning NB, it’s great that you are out of jail again and can continue to run your barman-less bar; on the odd day that you are sober enough, or not off out shagging!

    I agree with your optimism this is the best all round squad we have had in a donkey’s age and my hopes for the new season are unusually high. Yesterday Walcott looked more like a striker than Giroud the goal he scored was that of a predatory striker. When Santi is allowed the amount of space that he had yesterday he can be (and was) lethal. Bellerin just gets better and of course we now have Cech in goal and in a couple of saves he showed us just how good he can be.

    If we need improvement I believe it would be in the striking area but AW seems to be saying that he is happy with his options up front so as usual I defer to AW because as we all know…

    “ARSENE KNOWS BEST”

    Glad you are back and mine’s a single malt – owed from last May………….

  6. Brilliant stuff 69 and great too see the blog back.

    These interweb wankers that charge a fee for going online are taking the piss. Free online porn should be made compulsory. I firmly believe those denied access are more prone to commiting random acts of violence and developing a fascination with London to Birmingham trains.

    We are looking good. I still think we need another striker to guarantee the title and like your suggestion of Lacazette, but still think we will win it with what we have.

    Looks like Totnumb will get the stadium built. Totnumb is such a shit hole that the government know there will be future riots that will spread around London unless there is major regeneration.

    I am not into conspiracy theories but I reckon Levy kicked off the London riots by starting a rumour that mugging would be taxed at 20% and those with schizophrenic mental health problems would no longer be allowed to attack people, who because they did not claim benefits were most certainly in league with the devil.

    It dont matter anyway. Totnumb will always be a shithole.

  7. Wise words, Stretch !…..indeed, Totnumb is a shithole, but an entrepreneur like my self`s Goldmine !….they say you cant polish a turd ( especially in the shithole as previously mentioned ! )………that`s if you haven`t bought all the worlds supply of this stuff and made a killing in Totnumb !.

    Right !, off to the gym !…..it`s hot and I shall workout in my Parrot Smugglers !…….they`re like Budgie Smugglers, but being a ventriloquist !, I can stand in front of the mirror posing in front of the ladies whilst I throw my voice with a …..” Who`s a pretty boy then ! “………also getting away with an innocent look when the Parrot comments……” I`d like to fuck her with the big tits, pretty Polly ! “.

  8. Nice to see GunnersoreArse back on track 69er. Have missed the smut and Rack of the day. Long may it last.

    We’re looking good, but lets not get carried away until we beat the the big boys. Everton was a decent opponent but not top quality.

    I’m with the few who think we still need a SQ striker.

    Latterz 🙂

  9. wow, NorthBank, what a pleasant surprise! this space has been missed, you know! 🙂

    Happy with the team, also happy with a couple of backups at DM and ST. But as GN5 says, AKB.

    Some Islay will be very nice. And some tap water on the side, please. 🙂

    COYG.

  10. Good evening Girls 🙂

    Nice to see some regulars back in the pub…. drinks are on the house.

    Transplant, has the Broadwater Farm been demolished yet?

    The difference between the Arsenal and the Spuds is class, they will have to demolish their shit-hole ground whereas our Highbury Stadium still stands proud, a London monument, a National protected site and will be there until the end of time ha ha ha.

  11. Just browsing the internet when I came across a blast from the past !…….an old video match report I made as GliC ( Gooner lost in Cornwall ) for Bergkampesque when we beat Totnumb 5-2 !……..seems a bit dated now !.

  12. GLiC… I remember those days. I miss the banter we used have with Redders Transplant and yourself. Used to crack me up.

  13. So Flamster will probably be going to Galatasaray within
    the next 48 hours! And rumours that TPIG wants out and may go to Ajax to get a regular spot, doesn’t like the idea of being second fiddle to Petr cheque.

  14. Yeah, the Farm is still there 69

    Six months ago I sneaked in with a box of matches and can of petrol. I heard noises and thought I was rumbled but it was just some geezer running around in his underpants screaming kentucky fried chicken had given him two legs.

    I set the fire and stood a safe distance observing the results. My hopes of the whole estate going up in smoke were soon dashed as the residents woke with yelps of “Party time bruv” and “Riot babylon”

    They all streamed out dancing and singing. They then battered some old bloke, nicked his pyjamas and car keys, and shoved his car into the fire. The sight of the burning car drove them into a frenzy as they screeched “Kill the batty man”

    As dawn broke and the final embers of the fire dwindled, they got pissed off the old bill didnt bother so started mugging each other. By the time they had finished each and every one was wearing some one elses trainers and a few had track suit bottoms at 3/4 length.

    They will never git rid of that place

  15. Van Girl at the moment is like a kid given free access to a candy store… he will have problems all season trying to integrate them all into a cohesive team.

  16. Nice, I would shag all of them. Even the one at the top possessed by the devil.

    Hi Vics. I will be missing the West Ham game mate. First opener ive missed for years. I will be having a small “procedure” so will be out of action for a while, in more ways than one.

    Unfortunately its not life threatening so I have deflated a lot of peoples hopes and ruined some planned parties

  17. Terry. A small procedure to improve the performance of your tool? Good luck, mate. Good wishes and quick recovery. 🙂

  18. Hi Stretch…..”A small procedure” something connected with the brain I suppose. lmfao.

    That’s a shame about the West Ham game, we all had it ready for a nice surprise. Arnie/69er/Redders/Cockie and I were going to meet up with you in the Tavern. Give you a free afternoons alcohol.

    Never mind we’ll just have to carry on regardless. Ha Ha.

    Seriously though transplant, hope all goes well, you light up the lives of MANY gooners. Take a dictaphone ( cookie will have a field day with this one) with you while convalescing and write your memoirs when you fully recover.

    I’ll give em a shout for you buddy. COYG

  19. Cheers Arnie. Yes, its on the cock.

    Before I visited the Doctor I did not speak to any one for weeks. Such was my fear and depression.It was as though my worse nightmare came true, any were but the cock. I spent ages on the interweb examining other mens cocks. Thankfully my lump is benign but still has to be removed. The Doctor believes the lump is a result of either excessive masturbation or a very active sex life Arnie, so I had to lie.

    It has taught me something about the human condition Arnie. When I was given the all clear I was so elated I run out in the street and hugged a postman. He got the wrong idea and got me in a letter sack head lock. After the beating I attempted to caress a women, so ended up been chased down the road by a baying mob, but I didnt care.

    But now the “procedure” is drawing near I have forgotten my elation. I am depressed again. Why me? Why my cock?

    My conclusion is that people are wretches Arnie, taking every thing for granted. Having a good stretch is not merely an act, its a privilege.

  20. TMHT 10:57….. a long procedure then!!!!!!!!! You’ll have to help the physician and point him in the right direction

  21. Transplant… surely having a lump on yer hampton would be a benefit to most women, a bit like a dildo with a clit stimulating bulge!

    I’ve got a massive swelling on the end of my cock… it’s called me helmet ha ha

  22. hahaha, yes. My cock was one of the first tests carried out on the Hubble Telescope. After that they knew they could hone in on the distant galaxy with ease.

  23. Being serious for a minute, we shouldn’t joke about the lump on your dick Transplant. Big Willy and the Twins are an important part of a virile mans lifestyle, lose the use of them and what have you got…
    a droopy useless tube and two pointless wrinkly sacks between your legs. About as much use as a one legged man in a arse kicking contest. I hope it goes ok for you mate….

  24. Penis Surgery

    A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

    The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”

    The man perks up.

    “So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

    “Yes I have,” says the man.

    “And has she helped you make a decision?”

    “Yes” says the man.

    “What is your decision?” asks the doctor

    “We’re getting a granite counter top.

  25. There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

    “Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news,” she says. “The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.”

    The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. “So what’s the good news?” he asks.

    The doctor says, “There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant’s trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?”

    The guy thinks about it and finally says, “Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let’s do it.”

    So the doctor performs the operation.

    A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

    Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

    Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

    “Wow!” says his stunned girlfriend, “That was impressive! Can you do that again?”

    Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, “Probably…But I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”

  26. Good morning Muppets 🙂

    I’ve been waiting for VCC to post the Wednesday Whoppers but he probably still hasn’t worked out how to post a photo…. so it’s up to me. So here they are, this is by popular demand, just a shame Raddy isn’t around to see her…. she was voted the tastiest bit of crumpet on GunnersoreArse last season.

  27. 69er. You must be a fly on my wall watching me.

    Can you email me instructions on how to post photo’s etc. Please.

    You have to allow for my age and lack of sanity. 😉

  28. I’ve just checked my viewing stats for the week so far, not bad considering it’s only the first few days back for GunnersoreArse. Also noticed that yesterday there was a view from Ireland…. wonder if that was Michael ‘Pogue mahone’ having a sneak peak? Since he’s been retired not a word from him… probably only leaves the pub to visit the bookie. Or else he’s moved to his chateau in France and is too busy drinking the local wine ha ha ah

  29. So, onto gossip. Chezzers defo going to Rome, Wenger has a bid in for the 20 year old midfielder at Barca, Sergi Samper and fat Sami Nasri has been mouthing off again… what a nonce 🙂

  30. It’s been a bit quiet on the blogs these last few days. One bit of gossip is Diaby having a medical at West Brom…. that would be something worth paying to watch 🙂

  31. So Monsewer Venger has been told he has £200m in the Arsenal bank… to spend as he sees fit. Don’t need all that, £25m on Lacazette and £8 on Sergi Sampa would be enough, leaves £167m for emergencies ha ha

  32. Good morning Smegs 🙂

    It’s been a bit lonely in my bar for the last couple of days… but I’m not put off, here’s the Saturday Spongecakes:

    It’s matchday… COYG’s

  33. Yes, we have to keep our eyes on 69 lads

    I am worried about him. For a piss artist its very difficult to keep control of ones emotions. Tormented by all those birds he paints, living in fear the French will rumble his dodgy internet connection, and reconciling his psycho therapist role with his dodgy London roots which demand he “F*ucking do yer”

    Imagine my friends. Some unfortunate geezer with an insatiable desire to commit arson in public toilets is been counselled by 69.

    69 coaxes the young fire starter to dig deep to find the root of the problem. As a youth, in the bogs was he accosted by a pock faced man wearing a rain coat?. Or is he a tormented bummer who likes mens cocks, hates himself for it, so needs to see them burn?

    Either way, as 69 trys to help, he is hung over, fretting over his internet conncetion and fantasising about some nude French bint.

    The session ends with 69 “I think i can help you Piere. The problem stems from been unloved by your father and your mothers passive acceptance of his behaviour. This left you feeling rejected and cut off from your feelings so now your a f*ucking nutter. So come over here and I will cure you the Holloway way by beating the shit out of yer and nicking your internet connection”

  34. We all have our eyes on you NB but Arnie said it all – there’s not much to say!

    I can only get audio of today’s game so I will sit in the garden and do my weekend crossword while I listen. Later on I might watch Barcelona v Man U – just to get an idea of what Man U’s potential will be this season.

    Don’t lose heart NB will are confirmed advocates of your dry pub…………………….

  35. GN5. You should be able to find a stream, legal or illegal. 😛 apparently, the game is on BTSport.

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