There haven’t been many times in my life that I have felt the need to pray. I’m not a religious person, never have been and never will be. The closest I’ve ever come to doing something religious was at school when I had to attend R.E. classes.
In fact I can remember clearly the three times that I have prayed to whoever might be there to listen and to grant my wish.
The first time I felt the need to speak to a higher being and ask for a favour was in 1970 when I was aged sixteen. I was living with my parents at 23 Sonning Street, N7, just off Caledonian Road, Islington. There was a really tasty 32 year old woman living opposite us who had just divorced her husband and she stopped me in the street one day and told me that now her husband wasn’t there, no DIY work was being done on her flat and asked if I would be able to do some repairs on the kitchen and living room.
I prayed for several days before doing the work, every night I got on my knees, put my hands together and pleaded with God to grant my wish. I really wanted her request for me to do some DIY work to really mean, ‘do some work for me and then you can fuck me!’ Believe me, I put my every emotion into those prayers, as a 16 year old I’d only been with girls with similar or less experience than me, and that wasn’t much. So the idea of slipping one to an experienced, horny 32 year old divorcee had me creaming my fucking knickers.
Well I did the work, it only took a day and at the end of the day she offered me a few beers and one thing led to another…. she did all the leading because I really didn’t have the experience to know whether she was game or not, and thus started six months of a sexual education which still fondly rests in my memories. Thank you God.
The second time I felt a need to ask for something through prayer was in 1979. I was on trial and sitting in the cells below the Inner London Crown court awaiting the jury to return with their verdict. The charge was Attempted Murder and I had pleaded Not Guilty to that but Guilty to GBH / Malicious Wounding. The difference in the two was a 15 year plus prison sentence or three to five years. Believe me, I offered up every form of regret possible and asked for forgiveness and promised never to hurt another person in my life.
I was led from the cell to the courtroom when the jury returned to pronounce my fate………. Not Guilty, I went week at the knees and nearly shouted hallelujah as the judge sentenced me to three years. Thank you God.
The third time I was in need of some religious help was in 1988 when I applied to the Home Office for funding to do my Social Work course, if I got it, it practically guaranteed employment as a Probation Officer after qualification. I’d already worked for the Inner London Probation Service unqualified for 6 years, working with some of the most difficult teenagers in a hostel in Hackney, we took the offenders who other hostels refused to take.
The Home Office denied my funding, on the basis that ten years had to elapse after release from prison before they could consider funding. For fuck sake, they’d already employed me for six years so I thought there would be no problem. The difference would have been approximately £5000 a year compared to a local authority grant of about £1200 a year and the need to find part-time work as well as doing a full-time Social Work course. Thanks for nothing God, you fucking bastard.
However, I soon understood that God works in mysterious ways because I found some part-time work at an independent drugs outreach charity in the West End and it was there that I met a lovely, sexy social worker and we spent a glorious 12 years together with some amazing sex. So…Thank you God.
The Home Office, after knocking me back on funding in 1987, did approve my employment as a Probation Officer in 1990, the fucking hypocrites.
So they are the three times I’ve prayed in my lifetime but I now find myself here once again, in 2016, with an urgent need to get on my knees, put my hands together, pray for forgiveness for whatever wrongdoings I’ve done since the last time I prayed and to ask the biggest and most important request I have ever made………………
……… please oh please oh please, Lord, oh great one, please, please let Arsenal win at White Hart Lane today against those dirty fucking no good fucking shadow dwellers and fucking inbreds who have the fucking audacity and fucking cheek and the fucking delusions to think they are now fucking good enough to get out from under our shadow. If you allow this request I will do a hail mary every day for the rest of my life and will also indulge in some self-flagellation every day as well to cleanse my body of impurities…. what ever you want, you can even have my soul. Just grant me this one wish and take whatever you want…. please.
oh…. and PS…. please give us a ref who will be kind to us…..
Come on you fucking Gunners.