The Sore Arse Soapbox

Carl Jenkinson gets returned….. crocked

I’ve read in the news that young Carl has been injured and will be out for the rest of the season. Apparently he has been returned to us for his rehabilitation and joins the already crowded treatment room at London Colney.

So he’s had half a season with the Hammers, he’s scored a couple of goals, got a few yellow cards and one red and I think he conceded a couple of penalties and got one own goal. He’s played 1228 minutes in total in the Premier League and has been a useful player for West Ham helping them to maintain a position just out of the CL places.

With Debuchy probably going before the end of January Jenkinson was always an option to recall to act as cover at RB, but now he’s not available for the rest of the season. What happens, do the Arsenal get compensation? Do West Ham contribute to rehabilitation costs?

No matter what the financial implications, we end up with a squad player out injured and if Debuchy goes we will be without adequate cover for Bellerin, so I hope Wenger gets someone in before the transfer window closes on Monday. I would be surprised if the French FB doesn’t go, it’s mean mentioned several times that he wants 1st team football and he isn’t getting it at Arsenal.

I’m not sure why, but this situation with Carl has really annoyed me, he would have been adequate cover for RB so the urgency to find a replacement for Debuchy wouldn’t have been an issue, but West Ham have benefitted and we then get him back injured. Now we have to find a suitable replacement if the Frenchman leaves.

It highlights the inadequacies in our recruitment of new players, it’s happened this season with Welbeck unavailable and having just Giroud, Walcott and Campbell as our front three choices and Sanchez has shown that he is not ‘unbreakable’. Now we’ll be left with just Chambers as our RB cover.

It’s not good enough…… Wenger should be planning in advance, he should have done all this in the summer but now there is probably a panic as the TW comes to an end and we are short of two crucial players.

 

Ranieri to replace Wenger…

 

Would this be a good replacement for our best ever manager in the history of the Arsenal?

When you think about it, Ranieri has taken a mediocre team with just two exceptional players to the top of the Premier League, (just like Wenger) and they are now being deemed possible champions. He’s a likeable bloke, he’s good with the media and he seems to be able to get a fairly average team working well together, just like Wenger does with Arsenal. He also buys the team pizza if they win…. so frugal as well.

He could be the perfect fit for the Gunners, he deploys attacking tactics, doesn’t go berserk with buying overpriced players, seems to be level headed and sensible, and furthermore, he is a couple of years younger than Wenger and would maybe like the stability offered by a top PL team, although if you think about it, at the moment he manages a top PL team!

Just some thoughts on who would be a possible successor to the great Arsène Wenger.

What do other Sore Arses think? Am I going along the right route or am I totally mad?

GunnersoreArse…… resurrected!

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog… being blogged 918.74 kms (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Well here we are then, smooth as ever!

When I decided to stop doing this blog a couple of months ago it wasn’t because I’d given up, it was purely based on the fact I had a shit internet connection and wasn’t able to maintain a connection long enough to write a 800-1000 word article. However, I now have a decent network wi-fi connection and have decided to bring the Weekly Smut infested Arsenal Tabloid back to life. I sincerely hope that the few faithful followers and commentators who contributed before, return to enliven the blog with their humour, intellect and photos of naked women bearing their breasts.

So the new season will be upon us in three weeks time, but before the home game against West Ham we have the small matter of the Emirates Cup and then the Community Shield game against the Chavs.  Will this be the opportunity to break the Maureen hoodoo? With the talk currently emanating from the mouths of some of our players, the title could be ours this season, which would mean we have to beat the Chavs, City and United along the way. Old Petra, 33 in years and 33 on his back is being highlighted as one reason for such optimism, could one player make such a difference? Could he instil more confidence in the defence and the team in general? could he possibly keep more clean sheets than TPIG and Ospina?

All speculation but enjoyable none the less. Will be strange however, to see that helmet in the Arse!

We have lifted our first piece of silverware in the last few days, the Asia Cup is now in the trophy room alongside our two recent FA Cups. Only friendlies of course but the game against Everton was more of a premier League game than just a friendly and we put in a good shift, with the pundits being surprised at how well prepared we looked.

So what other speculation and rumour is doing the rounds in the gossip mags and on the blogs. Too many to even contemplate on here, though the need for backup to Le Coq au Vin is high on the list of priorities and the need for another striker who could bag us 25-30 goals in a season is not far behind on that list. Personally I’d like to see Lacazette come to the Emirates, not a glamorous £60m curly haired male model type player, but instinctive in front of goal, has a lethal right foot and is not afraid to take a punt from 30 yards. I like him!

You can keep your Cavanis, Foulcows, Benzemas and Higuans, all over-priced and over-rated….. but give me Alexandre Lacazette and I would be a happy bunny, 27 goals in 33 league games in Ligue 1 is not to be sniffed at that’s for sure. He reminds me of Thierry and I’m sure he has watched loads of videos of our Arsenal legend to improve his attacking play. And speaking of Thierry, he got some press time this week saying.

“I still think they (Arsenal) need four players to get closer to Chelsea.”

What four players he didn’t elaborate, nor did he mention in what positions we needed these four players! So read nothing into it, just the media having a laugh.

Onto other teams news, Liverpool have got rid of Sterling for…… £49m, just couldn’t believe that. City has bought a dud me thinks, another Andy Carrol maybe? Makes me wonder how much our Theo would be worth in today’s market?

Loo is Van Girl apparently has £300m plus burning a hole in his trousers pocket, to spend on idiotic purchases and I sincerely think that he will blow it all on rubbish. Sniddyland and Schwienkopf have already been purchased, one is past it and the other really hasn’t proved much at Southampton, wasted money I think.

Stoke are aiming high in the transfer window and they have a mission statement, ‘Europe or bust’. Ha ha ha, best joke I’ve heard this year. Chavs seem to be fairly quiet on the transfer front, Foulcow on loan and possibly Bergovic to replace Petra, but nothing else seems to be happening in the wastelands of SW6.

And lets just take a look into the deep shadows of N17, a new stadium planned, or should I say toilet! And because it will apparently hold a few hundred more fans than the Emirates they are spouting that it is bigger… bloody twats. My advice is don’t hold your breath and if it does finally get built, look on the bright side, just remember how our trophy winning days were put on hold after the expense of building the Emirates, which probably means that when the new Shite Hart Lane construction is complete, the Spuds will probably be relegated. There were reports yesterday that the Spuds request to use Wembley during the construction of their new toilet had been turned down and now there could be a possibility of them sharing our hallowed ground in N5. I sincerely hope this is a joke rumour, no way do we want them anywhere near the Ems, let them play in Milton Keynes or share the Olympic stadium with West Ham, much more appropriate.

Back to more interesting stuff… The Gunners. It would seem from all reports that our best signing this year has not been a player, but a Paddy physio. Some are suggesting that he will be able to perform miracles and keep all our players fit, all of the time and all together. The last time I read about someone like that it was in the Bible. Well if he could win ze World Cup for ze Germans perhaps he can win the CL for us!

So three weeks to go, a period where we are all full of hope and optimism (well most of us anyway), a new season and a renewed push for honours. Although I would love to see us win the Champions League, as much for Monsieur Vengers sake as much as for my own desires, I still think that that will be a bridge too far with our current players. However, and I seriously mean this, I can envisage us doing the League and Cup double, and in the process making history with a third FA Cup in a row….. now wouldn’t that get up the noses of Van Pervy, Nasri and co.

Meanwhile, over in Russia… our Frimpong has been sanctioned for giving the finger to fans who were shouting racist abuse at him.

Ufa general director Shamil Gazizov said his club would not be calling for Spartak to be punished, describing it as an “unfortunate incident”.

“There were people who could have shouted things. These are emotions which go away after the game. We are partners with the red and whites and are on good terms,” he said.

“What Frimpong did was wrong. Sometimes you even have to hold back the tears and just put up with it.”

But in March former head of Russian football Vyacheslav Koloskov said too much is made of racism in the country and has also questioned why monkey chants are assumed to be racist. Do these people live in a bubble?

This is where quite a few black players will be playing in the 2018 World Cup! No wonder they are thinking of boycotting it.

Final business of the day: The blog is as before, everything is acceptable unless the Editorial team or one of the contributors/commentators says differently. Smut is allowed but keep it within reason (you wankers out there know who you are). No close up photos of Labia or crutch parts! The blog will continue to be published as before, every Sunday morning at or around 9am BST (Illness, natural disasters, civil unrest, world war, alcohol abuse, police arrest or imprisonment permitting). Come back guys and girls, to the warm glow of a Gunners Sore Arse, contribute and make your Arsenal life more interesting, you know it makes sense.

The Hating Game…….

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Today we have a guest post from Eddie. 

Who are the most hated teams in the English Premier League?

I would like to invite all football fans to vote for the most hated team in the English Premier League. Although the invitation is open to all I would like to point out that this is an Arsenal blog and we would like the visitors from N17 to behave with respect and those from SW6 to refrain from violence.

I read several articles on this subject and checked some polls and votes. Needless to say that the press is full of editorial errors placing Arsenal even above Tottenham in the Hate Tables, but we know we are and always will be the most loved club in the world. Those who don’t love us are of the jealous disposition.

The ‘hate’ results are predictably inconclusive and inconsistent.  Surprisingly though the top spots are not always occupied by one of the Top Four teams, ie Manchesters, Chelsea or Liverpool.  There are those who still hate Leeds and Portsmouth the most, strange if you ask me. So why do we hate some clubs more than others? Is it all about success, or a manager or proximity of the stadium? Manchester City are currently probably the best club in this country, yet nobody but the red Mancs hate them, why?

Maurinho has been mouthing again claiming that Chelsea are the new United and everybody loves to hate them. He is obnoxious enough to pass some of the hatred towards him, Jose Maurinho onto the whole club. Some pundits say that Jose is the next Ferguson, a genius amongst ordinary managers. I fail to understand what they are saying, but English is not my first language, so I suspect something is missing in translation.  It is true that I used to hate ManU and Fergie, especially when they were at their best, but that was sheer tribal rivalry. Today I hate Chelsea more than any other club, mainly because of Maurinho,  but John Terry, Abramovitch’s impact on the English League, Cole’s saga and Cech’s headgear do nothing to endear them to me.

I do not expect a reasonable and equitable response, but please try to justify your choice.

Thank you Eddie, something to get the ol’ vitriol flowing. Tin hats are available upon entry to the blog, not obligatory but highly recommended.

GunnersoreArse, publishing articles which other blogs refuse. The Charlie Hebdo of the Arsenal bloggosphere. JE SUIS GUNNERSOREARSE! Right, let’s get out of here sharpish and have a glass of wine. Where’s me tin hat 🙂

 

There’s only one Arsene Wenger……

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

What a topsy-turvy week it has been for Arsène. Last weekend, booed by a group of dickheads when he was boarding the train at Stoke, then yesterday, the supporters getting behind him and singing his name. The fickle nature of the football fan, eh! But what I think happened at the Newcastle game was a response to the numpties, they must have hated to hear that song being sung. Here’s Monsieur Wenger talking to the BBC post match:

“Our job is to win football games and when we don’t do it I understand when they’re not happy,” said Wenger.

“We lost, unfortunately, at Stoke and we feel guilty for that,” Wenger added. “But 99.9% it is people with full respect even when they’re not happy.

“I can take the 0.1%. Yes, of course, I’m thankful for the fans singing my name at the end of the match. It’s very nice to get support from the crowd.

“But the most important for me is to win football games and the best way to make our fans happy is to do that.”

Wenger clearly stating there that he thinks the boo boys are just 0.1% of the fan base. Which is probably close, but even with such a minority of shitbags, they are having a divisive effect. But the chanting of Wengers name sent a clear message and I was pleased to hear the verbal support for the manager.

It was a very satisfying win yesterday, Giroud and Santi back to goalscoring ways, the Ox having a great game in central midfield. Welbeck getting close on a couple of occasions and a disallowed goal which seemed legitimate to me and some of his movement off the ball was excellent. A makeshift defence which showed Debuchy as a very competent centre-back. Wenger has stated this week that if the whole team were fit, then there is no need to delve into the January transfer window. However, he balanced that by saying the Koscielny situation may mean he has to get someone in to cover. We can only wait to see what happens.

Two results this week which have gone some way to counter the negativity which arose after the Stoke game. Two games which have also shown how the team are starting to combine together and become the force which has been promised but as yet, not been achieved. Injuries have been our achilles heel but somehow, the manager has been able to juggle things around to keep us ticking over. I foresee a big shift over the next few games, moving up a gear and proving the detractors wrong. Liverpool away next week will be tough but a win at Anfield is not impossible if the boys can avoid the inconsistency shown against Stoke. Then QPR at home and a trip to Upton Park over the Christmas period, all are winnable.

So there we have it, my positive take on the current situation and recent results. All we can do is support the team and manager. And as Wenger states, he will make every effort to win games to keep us happy. What more should we expect?

Right, time for a glass of wine and some cheese, chorizo and baguette. Hope you enjoyed your visit…. till the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, everything from football to floosies. The sanctuary for all sane Arsenal fans. Every Sunday morning at 9am GMT. Rated 18+.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Animals versus Angels: Match Report

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

What did we expect? It’s always the same at the home of the Orcs, intimidation, rotational fouling and rugby tackles. Ryan Shawcross had already set the scene when the Sun published his comments about “You are Gunner Get it”, so there we are then, we got it. Did the Stoke horror tactics influence the result? I don’t think so, not in the first half anyway, we were very poor, not just in defence but all over the field. In the second half we came back, but some poor referee decisions did influence the match. I’m not normally one to blame the refs, I generally take the stand that they even themselves out. But yesterday, some of the officials decisions were baffling. At this point I’ll just let some photos do the talking…………………

 

Charlie Adam grapples Sanchez to the ground

Former England striker Alan Shearer on MOTD: “If you go to Stoke you are going to have to roll your sleeves up, fight, scrap and battle. Arsenal did not do that. It was a shambles, embarrassing… whatever words you want to use. It was laughable. They’re are 3-0 down, it really was shambolic. Until Arsene improves Arsenal defensively they have no chance of winning the league. Having said that, I still think they will finish in the top four because that is what they do.

Peter Crouch did this on several occasions and went unpunished

Former Manchester United striker Andy Cole on Final Score: “To get 3-0 up at home against any team is good, but to do it against a top team like Arsenal? Stoke harassed them, they got stuck in. It should take more than that to knock a team off their stride at this level, but for some reason Arsenal cannot get over the problems they have at Stoke.”

Shearer and Cole are fucking idiots to think that how Stoke played was just ‘harassment’ or that a team has to, “fight, scrap and battle” against them and that is acceptable. I’m sure that if either Cole or Shearer were fouled and rugby tackled like that they would be the first complaining to the referee.

This next video really makes me fucking angry, is this an attempt to get the ball? Is it even what we class as football? No it isn’t, and how the officials didn’t punish Adam with a red card just beggars belief. If the FA don’t investigate the officials from yesterdays match then our beloved game is in a poor state.

In the end, I actually thoroughly enjoyed the game, but only the second half. It was thrilling and I really started to think that we could come back and win 4-3. But it wasn’t to be. Stoke broke up our play with there rotational fouling and time wasting, Chambers was unfairly punished with two very soft yellows and Crouch, Adam and Shawcross were not punished for a lot worse. Yesterday when the game finished I was on a high, excited by the ‘nearly’ comeback. We actually finished the last 4 or 5 minutes with just Mertesacker as our only defender on the pitch. However, today I am angry, angry at the officials, angry at the Stoke players for their bully tactics and angry at the FA for not doing more to stamp out the type of play we saw from Stoke yesterday.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo. I need the hair of the dog because I went out after the game and got totally rat arsed. Suffering a bit this morning so apologise for a short post and probably some spelling and grammatical  errors. Until the next time

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, even when pissed and hungover, the Sunday supplement is still published by the deadline. Every Sunday morming at 9am GMT.

Coal miners, Sheep, Leeks and Rugby.. a trip to the valleys!

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

A trip down the M4 today to Swansea. A 4pm kick-off and the last Premier League game of the weekend. Yesterdays results did us no favours and extended the gap to the top two of Chelsea and Southampton, but City slipped up at Loftus Road so a win for us today will take us to within one point of the blue mancs. I think the less said about our midweek capitulation against Anderlecht the better. Let’s just say that hopefully lessons were learned, the team heard Arsène Wengers speach about team work and not individual glory.

Last season we won this fixture 2-1, with I think Ramsey and Gnabry getting the goals. That win maintained our position at the top of the table. However, this season we are playing catch up and already  twelve points behind Chelsea before today’s game.  Swansea have had a good start to their season so far and they will not be a push over. They also have our old friend Flappy between the sticks, who I’m sure will want to have a good game against his old team mates.

We’re never sure how Wenger is going to line up these days, 4-1-4-1 or is it 4-4-2 , or even 4-3-3? But picking the team from a supporters perspective is getting easier with the injuries increasing at an alarming rate, this weekend it’s the turn of Arteta to be on the treatment table. On the bright side however, we could see Theo making a start today although Wenger has said he will be eased back in gradually, so he may be on the bench. All I can predict is how I would like to see the team line up today, who Wenger chooses could be totally different.

 

submit football lineup

Bench: Martinez, Rosicky, Monreal, Cazorla, Oxlade, Podolski, Sanogo.

Campbell, poor, poor Joel Campbell, will no doubt be excluded again today and many are wondering where he fits into the current team, if at all. There is speculation he will be either loaned or sold this January. A real shame because as far as I can see he hasn’t been given a fair chance to establish himself. But what do we know, there could be many reasons as to why he’s not been given a chance. Perhaps he doesn’t train well, perhaps he’s lazy or too fat and unfit. What happens behind closed doors we can only guess.

Today could see us going with the dreaded Wilshere, Flamini, Ramsey core of midfield. Cazorla has had some stinkers recently so I for one hope he is benched today. What the problem is with the dreaded threesome I’m not sure, but all crowding into the middle of the park seems to be a common complaint. But today we’ll need some solidity at the back so hopefully Wenger will play Chambers next to the BFG and Bellerin on the right, with Flamini in the middle of the midfield threesome. Wilfred Bony has scored in each of his last four games so expect him to be a handful today. The other danger will be Sigurdsson, who has had a tremendous start to his season after doing nothing with the Spuds last season.

Three points today would be great and I don’t envisage anything less. Sanchez is currently on fine form, scoring five in his last three games. If Walcott plays today then I would expect some pacy counter attacking football. All we can do at the moment is hang on to the coat-tails of Chelsea and Southampton and wait for them to slip in the future. But to catch them, we firstly and foremost need to win our games.

Welsh rarebit, the culinary heights of Welsh cuisine.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…… hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, Sundays would never be the same without it. Support your Arsenal Sunday supplement by encouraging more readers and bloggers to read the bloody thing. Or I’ll send the boys round.

The Gunners: Now Unbeaten in 23 home games…………..

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

I watched yesterdays game on a stream with a Spanish commentator and I noticed two things. Firstly there was none of the sarcasm and anti-Arsenal sentiment which we get with British pundits on the TV. Secondly, whenever our supporters started to sing, the commentator sang along with them…. Arsenal…. Arsenal…. Arsenal. Brilliant. He was a breath of fresh air. ha ha ha!

The last time we lost at home was against Aston Villa in the first game of last season, not as good as the invincibles but impressive none the less. Most of us have had a moan about the recent lack of cohesion within the team, the lack of effort from some of the players and our inability to put a game to bed. Our bad defending has also come under criticism. Before yesterday the boys have only just scrapped a win, mainly through a determination which we don’t often see them display.  But yesterday, things seemed to come together. Our passing play was superb, there seemed to be more energy and determination, more movement off the ball and less short passes in midfield which often allows teams to get nine defenders back to their penalty area.

The Alexis effect! This boys energy, determination and movement around the field has been phenomenal. Is it now rubbing off onto his team-mates? Most would observe that it has and we saw the result yesterday. The other week I was suggesting the Chilean was starting to get frustrated with the team for not giving 100%, often manifesting in his body language and facial expressions. Who knows if that was the case, but it was my observation. However, yesterday there was no such frustration and the team played well together, with some brilliant passing and they kept their shape. I read yesterday that our pass completion rate against Burnley was something like 85%.  I’m not a great believer in relying on stats because they can be deceiving,  and often in our case, the passes have been short balls sideways and /or backwards. Yesterday however, many of the passes were long and going forward. This is what I observed so on  this occasion I will use the 85% as an indication of improvement.

We could have won this game by five or six goals, credit needs to be given to Heaton for some fantastic saves. Even Szczesny applauded his counterpart in the Burnley goal. Nice one Chezzers, top man.

I’m not going to single out a player for individual praise because I think overall it was a good team effort. But I was pleased to see Theo back on the pitch and to see the Ox put in a good shift. Has yesterdays game started a new phase? Will we now go on to start winning games instead of battling for a draw? Will opponents now view us with some trepidation? To all three questions I would say a resounding yes, but we will have to wait and see. Swansea away next week and then Man Utd at home. Both will be tougher than Burnley. But before that, we have Anderlecht to deal with in mid-week.

Just a small note on our forgotten German, Podolski. He came on as a sub the other week and got the winning goal in a match that looked like ending with a draw. Yesterday he came on in the 80th minute and had an immediate effect and could have scored with two thunderous shots, one which nearly destroyed the goal post and the other one could have seriously maimed a Burnley player. If he was given more game time, would he get more goals? Or is Wenger just biding his time with the German as a fill in till he can be sold?

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…. well actually I haven’t got any chorizo today so it will be Goats cheese. Hope you enjoyed your visit……….. till the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, the Arsenal Sunday blog which tries to steer clear of any technical football bollox and poncy match reports. All complaints about my lack of footballing insight should be sent to Terry Mancinis Hair Transplant and the Cockie monster. I’ll let those bastards deal with it.

 

GunnersoreArse Exclusive: Jose Mourinho says “Arsene Wengers zipper ate my Ballon d’Ors!”

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Serious allegations made against Wenger and his ball consuming zipper…..

Jose Mourinho has made allegations against Arsène Wenger and his malfunctioning zipper. In a recent press conference he told reporters that after the match at Stamford Bridge, Wenger approached him in the players tunnel and allowed his zipper to munch on the Chelsea managers Ballon d’Ors. Mr Mourinho said at first he quite enjoyed the experience but then he started to feel some pain [down there] and realised the French zipper was actually eating his prized possessions.

The trouble had started earlier on the pitch when the Arsenal manager had approached the Chelsea technical area, Mr Mourinho pushed the Frenchman away because he says Mr Wenger made a lewd suggestion about his zipper and the Portuguese managers private parts. In retaliation the Arsenal boss pushed Mourinho back.

Talking about Jose Mourinho after the Chelsea boss accused him, Wenger said: “He’s out of order, disconnected with reality and disrespectful. When you give success to stupid people, it makes them more stupid sometimes and not more intelligent.”

It started on the pitch, when push came to shove

Wenger has no control over his zipper….

Mr Wenger has denied any wrong doing, and stated: “My zipper has a mind of its own, I can never control the bloody thing, mon dieu! It even nibbles on my Alsace sausage and choucroute, mange tout, mange tout.” He went on to say that he can’t be blamed for the performance of his zipper. Recent video evidence seems to confirm Mr Wengers defence, on several occasions during matches he has been caught on camera struggling with the zipper and in frustration sometimes kicking water bottles.

Steve Bould, Assistant Arsenal manager, told reporters: “The thing is a f*”king menace, sitting next to the boss in the dugout you take your manhood into your own hands, I protect big willy and the twins at all times when the zipper is close by”.

Steve Bould pictured protecting big willy and the twins whilst Wenger struggles with the zipper

Mourinho is diagnosed as mentally damaged….

Mr Mourinho revealed that one Ballon d’Or had been severely damaged in the attack and needed emergency surgery. A nurse at the hospital who participated in the operation said it had been a delicate job and needed micro surgery due to the tiny size of the patients Ballons. It has been confirmed the patient will probably never be able to father more children. The nurse however, stated that with the small size of them she would have been amazed if it was ever possible even before the injury and surgery. The hospital psychiatrist has offered ongoing support, stating that the mental trauma to the Chelsea manager will be more damaging than the physical injury.

The cockney surgeon who performed the operation told our reporter: “It was unfortunate I couldn’t save one of Mr Mourinhos niagaras and as a consequence, there will be a 95% reduction in Gary Monk production for the Chelsea manager and hence an unlikely chance of him being able to produce further saucepan lids. I have explained the future problems to the patients trouble and strife who told me her old pot and pan normally preferred her aristotle rather than her jack and danny, so it wouldn’t be a big problem for her.”

An inside source at the hospital has told our reporter that whilst hospitalised Mr Mourinho enquired about having his Ballon d’Ors enlarged with silicone. In his most recent press conference, after the game with Crystal Palace, the Chelsea manager tried to play down the rumours of him having small molecules and wrote on a journalists notepad to show to the gathered reporters:

Voir l'image sur Twitter

Mourinho wrote this on a journalists notepad

Ex-girlfriend lost hand in sex struggle with Wengers zipper…..

A GunnersoreArse journalist travelled to Paris and tracked down an ex-girlfriend of Mr Wenger and she confirmed the offending zipper was indeed dangerous. Showing the reporter her metal prosthetic device she recounted the story of when she tried to get her hand on Mr Wengers under carriage and the zipper closed so viciously it severed the limb just below the elbow.

The 55 year-old woman, who described herself as an actress, asked not to be named to avoid embarrassment, but the GunnersoreArse Sunday Supplement can reveal it was Madame Claudine Rochefort, who lives at 69 rue de la République, Paris, 75003. She is unmarried and searching for a husband who likes the feel of cold steel on his pride and joys and she also has several electrical attachments which give immeasurable pleasure. For a small fee, demonstrations can be arranged with Madame Claudine by ringing this number: 00 09 69 69 69. Our GunnersoreArse reporter can confirm the fee is very reasonable for the service offered and on a second visit he paid 10% less with his loyalty card. However, his recent expense claims are currently being investigated by the GunnersoreArse auditors, who, along with our Editor-in-Chief, our Copy Editor, our Features Editor, the Press room boy and his mate Steve, have flown to Paris for the weekend to check out the claims with Madame Claudine.

One of Madame Claudines attachments, our reporter said this one was particularly pleasurable

Arsenal injuries blamed on inappropriate use of zipper by players…..

Further rumours of the dangerous nature of Mr Wengers zipper have recently been coming out of the Arsenal Training Ground. It has been confirmed that several injuries to team members have not been caused when playing football but the result of Arsenal players taking the offending coat and flesh-eating zipper to the toilets for a quicky without the managers knowledge.

Abou Diaby has been the worst offender, with 40+ injuries and now into his sixth year of secretly using the zipper for his own pleasure. But several other players have also been ‘victim’ to the zipper and as a consequence, Arsenal currently have the worst injury record in the Premier League. A spokesperson for the Arsenal Medical Centre said there is an ongoing investigation to find out the reasons for the unprecedented number of injuries. Mr Wenger has been banned from bringing the coat to the Training Centre and the Emirates Stadium. Since the zipper ban several players are now returning to full fitness, including Abou Diaby.

since the zipper ban Diaby is often seen trying to pleasure himself

Other teams are now fearful of Wengers zipper……..

Since the allegations against Wenger and his zipper, teams in the Premier League are now changing their tactics against the Arsenal to avoid any injuries that may arise from coming into contact with the dangloid eating fiend. Teams now park the bus, preferring safety in numbers to protect their long balls when they counter attack, and therefore avoiding the short balls now used by Arsenal players because of their experiences with the zipper.

Teams have changed their tactics against Arsenal since the zipper accusations

Judge will make decision on testicle munching zipper…..

The situation between Mr Wenger and Mr Mourinho is not over. The Chelsea manager has filed charges but a court date has yet to be fixed. The Portuguese manager is also claiming £20 million in damages for the change in his voice which has risen several octaves since the attack and the psychological effect it has had on his sex life.

Mr Wengers defence lawyers have declined to comment but have confirmed that Stan Kroenkes firm of legal advisors will represent the Arsenal manager for an estimated fee of £6m. In a press statement the Arsenal Board of Directors have stated that the KSE lawyers are the best for the job so no other law firm has been contacted but added that Season Ticket prices may have to rise to cover payment to the Arsenal shareholder.

Sir Chips Keswick said: “The £6m fee was proposed by myself and Lord Harris in respect of a wide range of legal services offered by Kroenke Sports Enterprises. They have an extensive experience and it is of utmost importance that we use it to best advantage for Mr Wengers defence. There was no competitive tender – they were available to us, so competitive tender was not needed.”

Mr Vladimir Cluckenchov, a well known lawyer for the Russian mafia and business associate of the Chelsea owner Roman Abramovitch, will be representing Mr Mourinho. It has been rumoured that Mr Abramovitch is interested in purchasing Mr Wengers zipper and cloning it for use in his chain of Pole Dancing Clubs as a cheaper and more efficient alternative to women.

Vladimir Cluckenchov (the fat fucker on the right)  photographed last week at a Moscow club owned by Roman Abramovitch.

Louis van Gaal [Broke]-backs the Portuguese manager in recent statements……..

This week the Dutch manager has supported Jose Mourinho and said: “He’s very special but he is very special to me because we’ve continued our relationship, which in the football world is not always normal. That’s nice.” He continued to say:  “Any suggestion that my Special Portuguese friend has small ballon d’ors is ludicrous, I shared a shower with him on many occasion when we were at Barcelona together and although mine are somewhat larger, I can assure you his are of a good size”. Mourinho responded to the praise by saying: “Don’t make me speak for half an hour about him [van Gaal]. He knows what I feel about him”.

The special relationship between the two managers has fuelled rumours of an ongoing love affair between the two men. This Sunday the two managers will be up against each other again at Old Trafford.

Louis van Gaal pictured talking to the press this week

 

Jose Mourinho and Louis van Gaal

The Dutchman and the Chelsea boss at a Gay Pride march in 2010

Wenger avoids difficult questions about his defence…….

In his most recent interview with BBC’s Jacqui Oatley, when asked about his defence Mr Wenger became very agitated, arrogant and patronising towards the reporter. When pushed on his lack of defence options, the Frenchman retorted: “I don’t know why you would come up with such a question”.

Gary Lineker was very critical of the Arsenal boss after the interview, saying that Mr Wenger should apologise to the female journalist. But the Frenchman defended his response and told reporters: “I watched it when I got home and it didn’t look bad. You ask 100 people, 99 will say it’s not bad and the hundredth will be Gary Lineker.”

Since the interview with the BBC all Arsenal players have been banned by the club from speaking with reporters.

In the meantime, Mr Mourinho has been spotted limping around the Chelsea Training ground shouting in a high-pitched voice, ” I’ve got big Ballon d’Ors and my wife can confirm that, she calls them the special ones”. But an unidentified source close to the family has exclusively told a GunnersoreArse reporter Mrs Mourinho now jokes that after the zipper attack they are:…… “the not so special one and a half.”

Mourinho limps around shouting in a high-pitched voice, “My balls are this big!”

The Chelsea boss telling Arsenal supporters that he still has two

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…….. hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

In other news: Unemployment: Massive blow-Jobs on the decline in France- the statistics revealed on Page 2 by our correspondent in Provence.

On our Sports back page: Under-performing Gunners manage a 2-0 win at Sunderland despite injury problems.

GunnersoreArse, the Arsenal Sunday supplement bringing you all the football exclusives. Published every Sunday morning at 9am GMT. Only Madame Claudine can give you more satisfaction on a Sunday morning. Just phone for an appointment: 00 09 69 69 69. Calls charged at £0.69 per second plus the normal cost of your telephone provider.

Wenger must go………… it’s inevitable.

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

A slightly provocative title I know, but I don’t mean it like that. What I mean is that it is inevitable that he will eventually leave.  The greatest and most successful manager in the history of the Arsenal. Arsène Wenger will undoubtably be given this accolade but in my experience, people are not judged by all the good things they have done in the past, they are judged by their very last actions.

Are the management team at Arsenal already looking for a replacement? Is there someone already in the pipeline? Will Wenger make this his last 3 years at the helm? or will he renew his contract in 2017? Lots of ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’. There have been many bloggers and pundits examining the future management of our club, the belief being that this is probably Wengers last three seasons at the club. But who really knows, the board must be dreading the day when he finally tells them that he won’t be continuing. Will Wenger have a say in who replaces him? probably. Will Wenger stay on to oversee the transition? probably. There is the high likelihood that he may continue after the three-year contract has finished, perhaps on a rolling one year contract until a suitable replacement has been found. But in the meantime, lets examine some of the options.

I’ve based this list on what I’ve read on other blogs and preferences of other bloggers:

Jürgan Klopp: He seems to be the widely held favourite. His achievements in the game have been good at a very high level, at Borussia Dortmond he has won the DFB Supercup and back to back Bundersliga titles in 2010/11 and 2011/12 and at the same time in 2012 winning the domestic double. He got the team to the Champions league final in 2013, losing to Bayern. So he comes with a good pedigree.

Diego Simeone: Another favourite with the fans. Known for working within a strict budget and still finding success, very similar to Wenger. Since his time at Atlético Madrid he has won the UEFA Europa league in his first season, beat Chelsea in the final of the UEFA Super Cup in 2012 and the Copa del Rey in 2013. Atlético won La Liga in 2013/14 and went unbeaten in the Champions League till they lost to Real Madrid in the final in 2014, beating Mourinhos Chelsea on the way in the semi-final. They also won the Supercopa de Espana in 2014. Has achieved good things on a strict budget and without going mad with club funds in the transfer market.

Rudi Garcia: Considered to be one of the best current French coaches. Advocate of attacking football similar to Wenger. When at Lille completed the league and cup double in the 2010/11 season. Since his move to Roma in 2013, although having not yet won a trophy, but got them to second place in Serie A behind Juventus in the 2013/14 season.

Carlo Ancelotti: It’s easier just to make a list of Ancelottis achievements as a manager. It’s impressive and he’s still only 55 years old.

Juventus
Milan
Chelsea
Paris Saint-Germain
Real Madrid

Jose Mourinho: Ha ha, I’m only pulling your plonker. I doubt very much that the Arsenal board would ever consider Maureen and our supporters would be up in arms. But I reckon if he was asked, knowing how much he dislikes Wenger, he would do it. To try to prove that he could do a better job than the Frenchman.

Those are four top managers that are bandied around the bloggoshere as potential replacements for Arsène, there are others, like Roberto Martinez and possibly Juup Heynckes. And I’m sure the board are keeping a keen eye on Ronald Koeman at Southampton.

But will the Arsenal board break with the tradition of employing an unknown, unproven candidate. You just have to look at the four most successful managers of the club to see the pattern, Herbert Chapman, Bertie Mee, George Graham and Arsène Wenger. Before coming to the Arsenal Chapman had won two English league titles and a League Cup with Huddersfield Town and Wenger had won a French Championship and the Coupe de France with Monaco and in Japan had won the Emperor’s Cup and the Japanese Super Cup. So from the four managers who have brought the most success to Arsenal, between them only had seven trophies in total before managing Arsenal.

Personally I think the club will go for a young manager with potential but not necessarily experience. I’d like to see perhaps Patrick Viera teaming up with Dennis Bergkamp, possibly with Wenger staying on to offer guidance. Or perhaps Steve Bould is being groomed for the top job.

What Wenger has to do over the next three years is to make sure the club is in good health player wise. This will mean replacing some of the older players, Mertesacker, Arteta, Flamini and Koscielny. I doubt Arsène would want to do a Ferguson and leave the team in a bad way for his successor. Furthermore, he needs to make sure the current core of our younger players don’t get poached by some of the bigger clubs in Europe. Ramsey, Wilshere, Oxlade, Walcott will increasingly become targets. What can be sure is the board will be guided by Wenger in their choice of successor.

Wenger has a minimum of two years to guide the club towards a successful transition and hopefully, during that period to bring further silverware to the Emirates. He faces quite a large task.

Who would be your preferred replacement?

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo………. hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, the glossy Sunday supplement to read with your morning coffee and toast. Still looking for more subscribers and readers but not giving up yet. Every Sunday at 9am GMT.