This Community Shield will be more than just a Friendly….

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog, being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

The Arsenal blog for Gunners who have strayed from the path of righteousness.

I know people say that the Community Shield is just a friendly and nothing should be assumed from the result, but we are talking Chavs here, can you really expect me to accept it as a game that will not have consequences for the rest of the season? Maureen has dominated in the exchanges with Wenger and now is perhaps the time to reverse that trend.

Psychologically, todays game is going to have far-reaching effects. I don’t envisage either manager taking the game lightly, both will field a strong XI and go all out to win. The premiership this coming season is going to be between these two teams so todays result will be an indication as to who finishes top. So not just a friendly.. it’s gonna be war!

On team news Wenger has stated that Ospina was back in training on Tuesday, Alexis will be back this weekend but Welbeck is still unavailable through injury. So for our attack today we have Giroud, Ozil, Oxlade and Walcott available, Akpom however, has gone out on loan. Trying to second guess Arsénes team selection I would go with this:

submit football lineup

Subs: Ospina or Martinez, Monreal, Paul Easter, Oxlade, Wilshere, Chambers, Bellerin.

That’s a strong XI and capable of beating Chelsea on their day. Will today be that day?

It’s now 13 games in which Arséne has failed to beat the ‘mouthy one’ so it’s about time to alter that statistic don’t you think. That’s why this game is definitely not a friendly and why both managers will go all out to win.

Maureen on Sunday’s game: ‘It’s not a friendly, it’s more than that, but it’s less than a Premier League match.’  He has even suggested that he will play Costa, which goes to show how he is viewing the game.

Arsène Wenger also admits that Sunday’s Community Shield against Chelsea “will not be a friendly”.

Wenger hopes his side will maintain their momentum against the champions, but warned against reading too much into the result.

“We have to accept that every game is decided and judged as definite,” he said. “But you know that in real life it is not like that. The tribunal is out there and will draw conclusions from Sunday.”

From my point of view, it will be a strong psychological advantage for the winners. Whether that will translate in to who goes on to win the league is debatable, history tells us that it’s not necessarily the case, however, after beating City in the Community Shield last season we went on to get 4 points from our two League games against them.

So any Gooners out there who think todays game is a friendly and not a ‘must win game’, please think again. There is a lot at stake and it should be treated as a serious game. By thinking it’s a friendly you are doing a disservice to Wenger who I’m sure is taking it very seriously… and you know why, because it’s against Maureen.

So drop your trousers Maureen and bend over, we have the grease ready and are aiming for deep penetration.

_______________________________________oOo_____________________________________

Fantasy Premier League: 

If anyone is interested in a little bit of Fantasy, I’ve set up a Fantasy Premier League, it’s the League of Smegs and the code is: 165030-44791. Just go to the Fantasy Premier League site, log in, choose your team and then go to leagues and choose private league and type in the code. Just for fun amongst friends and I,m sure Cockie and Transplant would have fun choosing their team name. But beware, they have rules about anything offensive.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo whilst I search a bit of smut.

Language problems could cause Arsenal FA Cup exit.

Four candles? Nah, Fork Handles…… Handles for Forks!

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Why does Wenger have to be so honest? Why does he have to tell the media all his intimate thoughts? Why did he feel a need to tell the press that Paulista Gabriel could be a problem in our defence because he doesn’t understand a word of English?

If he plays in the back four today, surely Middlesborough will target an area where they know communication between our players could be a problem. Koscielny shouts to Gabriel (in his French broken English) “hey Gabby, get over to the left and take their centre forward”, and Gabriel moves backwards putting the whole ‘Boro forward line onside to score their first goal. Monreal shouts in his shaky English accent tinged with Spanish, ” Gabby, cover me, I’m going forward”, and Gabriel moves towards the right back instead and the left side is left uncovered and ‘Boro score their 2nd goal. The big Coq says to Gabriel in his Cockney French accent, “Gabby, stay back I’ll go up for the corner,  cover for me”, but instead Gabriel goes up for the corner as well, leaving the defence lacking in players when ‘Boro storm forward on the counter and score their 3rd goal. And so, Arsenal, the FA Cup holders go out of the cup because one player cannot understand a word of English.

If the FA Cup back line today is Chambers, Koscielny, Gabriel and Monreal, poor old Paulista will have to comprehend English spoken by an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Spaniard. I suppose Nacho could speak spanish to the Brazilian, or do they speak Portuguese in Brazil? And if at some point if the Big Fucking German has to come on and play alongside the Brazilian………Chaos and confusion!

Wenger has said that Gabriel’s poor English could cost his side goals.

“When you don’t speak English and you don’t understand ‘Come out, come back, right, left’, it is a problem for a defender,” Wenger said.

“You need to know the key words. Offside. Referee. Foul.” and he said further, “If you mix ‘going forwards’ with ‘going backwards’, it can cost you.”

Language barriers can be a source of confusion. Take it from me, having lived in another country with a different language for over fifteen years. Some embarrassing and awkward situations can arise, I’ve experienced it. However, could it cause problems in our defence? Furthermore, if the manager thinks it’s a problem and doesn’t put Gabriel in the side, how long will that be for? How long will it take the Brazilian to learn enough English to enable him to play without a communication breakdown?

Middlesborough are not going to be a push over. They are riding high in the Championship and are likely candidates to move into the Premiership next season. Do we really want to introduce a non- English speaking centre back into such an important game? A game that if we win propels us towards the final and retaining the FA Cup.

I wonder at what level he is currently? I assume he can say “yes” and “no”, and probably “Thank You” and “Please”. He may even have got to the serious level of, “I like you” and ” What’s your name?”. I’m sure Coq au Vin has taught him how to say, “Shut the fuck up”. And perhaps Giroud has taught him to roll on the floor with his arm in the air, shouting ” Ref… foul”. However, will he understand something shouted at him in the heat of the moment, in a period of sustained pressure and confusion?

“Paul Easter, get back you fucking idiot” (put in there French, German, Spanish, Chilean or English accent as appropriate) and barely audible with the Emirates crowd making a hell of a noise. He’ll have no chance.

I jest of course, I don’t think it will be problem at all. He’s a professional, he’s played at the highest level and he knows how to play at Centre Back.

What do you think? Should he play despite lacking the fundamentals of the English language? Is it a risk worth taking? Or am I just falando besteira?

OK , le temps pour un verre de vin et certains chorizo ​​épicé, j’espère que vous avez apprécié votre visite … jusqu’à la prochaine fois .

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, an Arsenal Sunday supplement to out do all Sunday supplements. Struggling for readers and comments but never forgetting it’s obligations to keep Gooners informed and amused. In other words you bastards, I’m fucking trying.

January sales and keeping our hands on the FA Cup.

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Transfer porn month.

Well, back to normal after the festivities, which for me means carry on as normal. I’ve never been one for waiting till a particular moment in a year to celebrate as if there is no tomorrow. Why wait until a birthday or New Years Eve to get bolloxed and out of your fucking head when you have 365 days in the year to do the same. Plain stupidity is how I see it, and is influenced by big business and corporations who think only of profit. A retail shop or supermarket can earn 50% of its annual turn-over during the short Christmas and New Year period. Fucking madness but the world joins in regardless.

Which leads us nicely into the transfer window, one month for managers to rush around like headless chickens, trying to find the new expensive toy which will keep the children (fans) happy. Arsène Wenger is in his normal January position, injuries and a suspension forcing him into the market place where he could be at risk of buying a dummy like Kaelstrom. From the statistics I’ve just looked at we have Welbeck, Flamini, Ramsey, Ozil, Wilshere, Arteta, Bellerin, Gnabry and of course the glass man, Diaby all on the treatment table, having their egos massaged along with their thighs, calves and other muscles or tendons. Add to that list Giroud who is suspended and Podolski, who is injured but also abroad talking with another club, then we can imagine our French manager is already in the queue outside either Harrods or the Poundshop, depending on your viewpoint.

What is on the shelf in the shop then, something tasty and long-lasting or a short-term sweetener to keep the taste buds initially happy but ultimately, leaving you wanting more.

In the press and on the blogs there are the usual suspects being chucked around like the proverbial confetti, Edinson Cavani, William Carvalho and………. Winston Reid…. the list goes on. Will we get a player on short-term loan, or go for the longer stability of the team? Where are the most urgent needs in the team? And do we really need any new players? Wenger has to weigh all these things up before he commits to splashing the cash, which from some sources apparently, we have plenty to splash.

Add into the mix the other big clubs who will be in the queue as well, with their chequebooks open and negotiators on hand ready to beat us to the deal, then the whole process is a nightmare which will last a month, not just for our manager but for us as well, the fans. Oh what joy, all the usual blog shit and guesswork will rear its ugly head in a four week orgy of transfer porn and speculation. Enjoy.

Can we keep our grubby hands on the FA Cup?

Today it starts all over again for the Gunners, FA Cup 3rd round tie against the team we beat in last seasons final. Wenger said this week:

“We want another cup run and we want to, if possible, keep the trophy. We have won it five times in my period in charge, so that means we know the importance that it has,”

He also went on to say:

“What is for sure is that we have room for improvement and we have to manage to do that quickly.”

As we  found out at Wembley in May, Hull City are no push over. They will come to the Emirates with a plan and with the intention of leaving with a result. I’m not as confident as some, the Tigers beat Everton last week quite convincingly, whereby at Southampton we showed our defensive frailties once again. However, goalkeepers will probably be changed for the game against Hull, with Ospina coming in for Chezzers and hopefully, Theo will be ready for a full 90 minutes. But as with the defensive weaknesses last week, our forwards and midfield need to improve from that performance as well. Our shortcomings, excuse the pun, in attack was clearly evident against Southampton and how did we play, high balls into the opponents penalty area, where we had two 5’6″ players up against defenders all over 6′, it was painful to watch. Our passing fell to pieces and for a team that prides itself on its passing game, that is unforgivable. So as Mr Wenger says, “What is for sure is that we have room for improvement and we have to do that quickly.”

Understatement of the year after last weeks match and if those improvements aren’t made this week then I can see our grip on the FA Cup being grappled from our hands rather quickly. Enjoy the match where ever you may be watching, lets hope for a win but prepare for a defeat.

Right, time to continue with my New Year celebrations, still 362 days left, so a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo. Hope you enjoyed your visit…… until the next time.

à bientôt

The GunnersoreArse Sunday supplement, a haven of calm and tranquility and pictures of tits and arse, for those who like it that way. 

 

There’s only one Arsene Wenger……

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

What a topsy-turvy week it has been for Arsène. Last weekend, booed by a group of dickheads when he was boarding the train at Stoke, then yesterday, the supporters getting behind him and singing his name. The fickle nature of the football fan, eh! But what I think happened at the Newcastle game was a response to the numpties, they must have hated to hear that song being sung. Here’s Monsieur Wenger talking to the BBC post match:

“Our job is to win football games and when we don’t do it I understand when they’re not happy,” said Wenger.

“We lost, unfortunately, at Stoke and we feel guilty for that,” Wenger added. “But 99.9% it is people with full respect even when they’re not happy.

“I can take the 0.1%. Yes, of course, I’m thankful for the fans singing my name at the end of the match. It’s very nice to get support from the crowd.

“But the most important for me is to win football games and the best way to make our fans happy is to do that.”

Wenger clearly stating there that he thinks the boo boys are just 0.1% of the fan base. Which is probably close, but even with such a minority of shitbags, they are having a divisive effect. But the chanting of Wengers name sent a clear message and I was pleased to hear the verbal support for the manager.

It was a very satisfying win yesterday, Giroud and Santi back to goalscoring ways, the Ox having a great game in central midfield. Welbeck getting close on a couple of occasions and a disallowed goal which seemed legitimate to me and some of his movement off the ball was excellent. A makeshift defence which showed Debuchy as a very competent centre-back. Wenger has stated this week that if the whole team were fit, then there is no need to delve into the January transfer window. However, he balanced that by saying the Koscielny situation may mean he has to get someone in to cover. We can only wait to see what happens.

Two results this week which have gone some way to counter the negativity which arose after the Stoke game. Two games which have also shown how the team are starting to combine together and become the force which has been promised but as yet, not been achieved. Injuries have been our achilles heel but somehow, the manager has been able to juggle things around to keep us ticking over. I foresee a big shift over the next few games, moving up a gear and proving the detractors wrong. Liverpool away next week will be tough but a win at Anfield is not impossible if the boys can avoid the inconsistency shown against Stoke. Then QPR at home and a trip to Upton Park over the Christmas period, all are winnable.

So there we have it, my positive take on the current situation and recent results. All we can do is support the team and manager. And as Wenger states, he will make every effort to win games to keep us happy. What more should we expect?

Right, time for a glass of wine and some cheese, chorizo and baguette. Hope you enjoyed your visit…. till the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, everything from football to floosies. The sanctuary for all sane Arsenal fans. Every Sunday morning at 9am GMT. Rated 18+.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Animals versus Angels: Match Report

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

What did we expect? It’s always the same at the home of the Orcs, intimidation, rotational fouling and rugby tackles. Ryan Shawcross had already set the scene when the Sun published his comments about “You are Gunner Get it”, so there we are then, we got it. Did the Stoke horror tactics influence the result? I don’t think so, not in the first half anyway, we were very poor, not just in defence but all over the field. In the second half we came back, but some poor referee decisions did influence the match. I’m not normally one to blame the refs, I generally take the stand that they even themselves out. But yesterday, some of the officials decisions were baffling. At this point I’ll just let some photos do the talking…………………

 

Charlie Adam grapples Sanchez to the ground

Former England striker Alan Shearer on MOTD: “If you go to Stoke you are going to have to roll your sleeves up, fight, scrap and battle. Arsenal did not do that. It was a shambles, embarrassing… whatever words you want to use. It was laughable. They’re are 3-0 down, it really was shambolic. Until Arsene improves Arsenal defensively they have no chance of winning the league. Having said that, I still think they will finish in the top four because that is what they do.

Peter Crouch did this on several occasions and went unpunished

Former Manchester United striker Andy Cole on Final Score: “To get 3-0 up at home against any team is good, but to do it against a top team like Arsenal? Stoke harassed them, they got stuck in. It should take more than that to knock a team off their stride at this level, but for some reason Arsenal cannot get over the problems they have at Stoke.”

Shearer and Cole are fucking idiots to think that how Stoke played was just ‘harassment’ or that a team has to, “fight, scrap and battle” against them and that is acceptable. I’m sure that if either Cole or Shearer were fouled and rugby tackled like that they would be the first complaining to the referee.

This next video really makes me fucking angry, is this an attempt to get the ball? Is it even what we class as football? No it isn’t, and how the officials didn’t punish Adam with a red card just beggars belief. If the FA don’t investigate the officials from yesterdays match then our beloved game is in a poor state.

In the end, I actually thoroughly enjoyed the game, but only the second half. It was thrilling and I really started to think that we could come back and win 4-3. But it wasn’t to be. Stoke broke up our play with there rotational fouling and time wasting, Chambers was unfairly punished with two very soft yellows and Crouch, Adam and Shawcross were not punished for a lot worse. Yesterday when the game finished I was on a high, excited by the ‘nearly’ comeback. We actually finished the last 4 or 5 minutes with just Mertesacker as our only defender on the pitch. However, today I am angry, angry at the officials, angry at the Stoke players for their bully tactics and angry at the FA for not doing more to stamp out the type of play we saw from Stoke yesterday.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo. I need the hair of the dog because I went out after the game and got totally rat arsed. Suffering a bit this morning so apologise for a short post and probably some spelling and grammatical  errors. Until the next time

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, even when pissed and hungover, the Sunday supplement is still published by the deadline. Every Sunday morming at 9am GMT.

Coal miners, Sheep, Leeks and Rugby.. a trip to the valleys!

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

A trip down the M4 today to Swansea. A 4pm kick-off and the last Premier League game of the weekend. Yesterdays results did us no favours and extended the gap to the top two of Chelsea and Southampton, but City slipped up at Loftus Road so a win for us today will take us to within one point of the blue mancs. I think the less said about our midweek capitulation against Anderlecht the better. Let’s just say that hopefully lessons were learned, the team heard Arsène Wengers speach about team work and not individual glory.

Last season we won this fixture 2-1, with I think Ramsey and Gnabry getting the goals. That win maintained our position at the top of the table. However, this season we are playing catch up and already  twelve points behind Chelsea before today’s game.  Swansea have had a good start to their season so far and they will not be a push over. They also have our old friend Flappy between the sticks, who I’m sure will want to have a good game against his old team mates.

We’re never sure how Wenger is going to line up these days, 4-1-4-1 or is it 4-4-2 , or even 4-3-3? But picking the team from a supporters perspective is getting easier with the injuries increasing at an alarming rate, this weekend it’s the turn of Arteta to be on the treatment table. On the bright side however, we could see Theo making a start today although Wenger has said he will be eased back in gradually, so he may be on the bench. All I can predict is how I would like to see the team line up today, who Wenger chooses could be totally different.

 

submit football lineup

Bench: Martinez, Rosicky, Monreal, Cazorla, Oxlade, Podolski, Sanogo.

Campbell, poor, poor Joel Campbell, will no doubt be excluded again today and many are wondering where he fits into the current team, if at all. There is speculation he will be either loaned or sold this January. A real shame because as far as I can see he hasn’t been given a fair chance to establish himself. But what do we know, there could be many reasons as to why he’s not been given a chance. Perhaps he doesn’t train well, perhaps he’s lazy or too fat and unfit. What happens behind closed doors we can only guess.

Today could see us going with the dreaded Wilshere, Flamini, Ramsey core of midfield. Cazorla has had some stinkers recently so I for one hope he is benched today. What the problem is with the dreaded threesome I’m not sure, but all crowding into the middle of the park seems to be a common complaint. But today we’ll need some solidity at the back so hopefully Wenger will play Chambers next to the BFG and Bellerin on the right, with Flamini in the middle of the midfield threesome. Wilfred Bony has scored in each of his last four games so expect him to be a handful today. The other danger will be Sigurdsson, who has had a tremendous start to his season after doing nothing with the Spuds last season.

Three points today would be great and I don’t envisage anything less. Sanchez is currently on fine form, scoring five in his last three games. If Walcott plays today then I would expect some pacy counter attacking football. All we can do at the moment is hang on to the coat-tails of Chelsea and Southampton and wait for them to slip in the future. But to catch them, we firstly and foremost need to win our games.

Welsh rarebit, the culinary heights of Welsh cuisine.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…… hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, Sundays would never be the same without it. Support your Arsenal Sunday supplement by encouraging more readers and bloggers to read the bloody thing. Or I’ll send the boys round.

The Gunners: Now Unbeaten in 23 home games…………..

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

I watched yesterdays game on a stream with a Spanish commentator and I noticed two things. Firstly there was none of the sarcasm and anti-Arsenal sentiment which we get with British pundits on the TV. Secondly, whenever our supporters started to sing, the commentator sang along with them…. Arsenal…. Arsenal…. Arsenal. Brilliant. He was a breath of fresh air. ha ha ha!

The last time we lost at home was against Aston Villa in the first game of last season, not as good as the invincibles but impressive none the less. Most of us have had a moan about the recent lack of cohesion within the team, the lack of effort from some of the players and our inability to put a game to bed. Our bad defending has also come under criticism. Before yesterday the boys have only just scrapped a win, mainly through a determination which we don’t often see them display.  But yesterday, things seemed to come together. Our passing play was superb, there seemed to be more energy and determination, more movement off the ball and less short passes in midfield which often allows teams to get nine defenders back to their penalty area.

The Alexis effect! This boys energy, determination and movement around the field has been phenomenal. Is it now rubbing off onto his team-mates? Most would observe that it has and we saw the result yesterday. The other week I was suggesting the Chilean was starting to get frustrated with the team for not giving 100%, often manifesting in his body language and facial expressions. Who knows if that was the case, but it was my observation. However, yesterday there was no such frustration and the team played well together, with some brilliant passing and they kept their shape. I read yesterday that our pass completion rate against Burnley was something like 85%.  I’m not a great believer in relying on stats because they can be deceiving,  and often in our case, the passes have been short balls sideways and /or backwards. Yesterday however, many of the passes were long and going forward. This is what I observed so on  this occasion I will use the 85% as an indication of improvement.

We could have won this game by five or six goals, credit needs to be given to Heaton for some fantastic saves. Even Szczesny applauded his counterpart in the Burnley goal. Nice one Chezzers, top man.

I’m not going to single out a player for individual praise because I think overall it was a good team effort. But I was pleased to see Theo back on the pitch and to see the Ox put in a good shift. Has yesterdays game started a new phase? Will we now go on to start winning games instead of battling for a draw? Will opponents now view us with some trepidation? To all three questions I would say a resounding yes, but we will have to wait and see. Swansea away next week and then Man Utd at home. Both will be tougher than Burnley. But before that, we have Anderlecht to deal with in mid-week.

Just a small note on our forgotten German, Podolski. He came on as a sub the other week and got the winning goal in a match that looked like ending with a draw. Yesterday he came on in the 80th minute and had an immediate effect and could have scored with two thunderous shots, one which nearly destroyed the goal post and the other one could have seriously maimed a Burnley player. If he was given more game time, would he get more goals? Or is Wenger just biding his time with the German as a fill in till he can be sold?

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…. well actually I haven’t got any chorizo today so it will be Goats cheese. Hope you enjoyed your visit……….. till the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, the Arsenal Sunday blog which tries to steer clear of any technical football bollox and poncy match reports. All complaints about my lack of footballing insight should be sent to Terry Mancinis Hair Transplant and the Cockie monster. I’ll let those bastards deal with it.

 

GunnersoreArse Exclusive: Jose Mourinho says “Arsene Wengers zipper ate my Ballon d’Ors!”

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Serious allegations made against Wenger and his ball consuming zipper…..

Jose Mourinho has made allegations against Arsène Wenger and his malfunctioning zipper. In a recent press conference he told reporters that after the match at Stamford Bridge, Wenger approached him in the players tunnel and allowed his zipper to munch on the Chelsea managers Ballon d’Ors. Mr Mourinho said at first he quite enjoyed the experience but then he started to feel some pain [down there] and realised the French zipper was actually eating his prized possessions.

The trouble had started earlier on the pitch when the Arsenal manager had approached the Chelsea technical area, Mr Mourinho pushed the Frenchman away because he says Mr Wenger made a lewd suggestion about his zipper and the Portuguese managers private parts. In retaliation the Arsenal boss pushed Mourinho back.

Talking about Jose Mourinho after the Chelsea boss accused him, Wenger said: “He’s out of order, disconnected with reality and disrespectful. When you give success to stupid people, it makes them more stupid sometimes and not more intelligent.”

It started on the pitch, when push came to shove

Wenger has no control over his zipper….

Mr Wenger has denied any wrong doing, and stated: “My zipper has a mind of its own, I can never control the bloody thing, mon dieu! It even nibbles on my Alsace sausage and choucroute, mange tout, mange tout.” He went on to say that he can’t be blamed for the performance of his zipper. Recent video evidence seems to confirm Mr Wengers defence, on several occasions during matches he has been caught on camera struggling with the zipper and in frustration sometimes kicking water bottles.

Steve Bould, Assistant Arsenal manager, told reporters: “The thing is a f*”king menace, sitting next to the boss in the dugout you take your manhood into your own hands, I protect big willy and the twins at all times when the zipper is close by”.

Steve Bould pictured protecting big willy and the twins whilst Wenger struggles with the zipper

Mourinho is diagnosed as mentally damaged….

Mr Mourinho revealed that one Ballon d’Or had been severely damaged in the attack and needed emergency surgery. A nurse at the hospital who participated in the operation said it had been a delicate job and needed micro surgery due to the tiny size of the patients Ballons. It has been confirmed the patient will probably never be able to father more children. The nurse however, stated that with the small size of them she would have been amazed if it was ever possible even before the injury and surgery. The hospital psychiatrist has offered ongoing support, stating that the mental trauma to the Chelsea manager will be more damaging than the physical injury.

The cockney surgeon who performed the operation told our reporter: “It was unfortunate I couldn’t save one of Mr Mourinhos niagaras and as a consequence, there will be a 95% reduction in Gary Monk production for the Chelsea manager and hence an unlikely chance of him being able to produce further saucepan lids. I have explained the future problems to the patients trouble and strife who told me her old pot and pan normally preferred her aristotle rather than her jack and danny, so it wouldn’t be a big problem for her.”

An inside source at the hospital has told our reporter that whilst hospitalised Mr Mourinho enquired about having his Ballon d’Ors enlarged with silicone. In his most recent press conference, after the game with Crystal Palace, the Chelsea manager tried to play down the rumours of him having small molecules and wrote on a journalists notepad to show to the gathered reporters:

Voir l'image sur Twitter

Mourinho wrote this on a journalists notepad

Ex-girlfriend lost hand in sex struggle with Wengers zipper…..

A GunnersoreArse journalist travelled to Paris and tracked down an ex-girlfriend of Mr Wenger and she confirmed the offending zipper was indeed dangerous. Showing the reporter her metal prosthetic device she recounted the story of when she tried to get her hand on Mr Wengers under carriage and the zipper closed so viciously it severed the limb just below the elbow.

The 55 year-old woman, who described herself as an actress, asked not to be named to avoid embarrassment, but the GunnersoreArse Sunday Supplement can reveal it was Madame Claudine Rochefort, who lives at 69 rue de la République, Paris, 75003. She is unmarried and searching for a husband who likes the feel of cold steel on his pride and joys and she also has several electrical attachments which give immeasurable pleasure. For a small fee, demonstrations can be arranged with Madame Claudine by ringing this number: 00 09 69 69 69. Our GunnersoreArse reporter can confirm the fee is very reasonable for the service offered and on a second visit he paid 10% less with his loyalty card. However, his recent expense claims are currently being investigated by the GunnersoreArse auditors, who, along with our Editor-in-Chief, our Copy Editor, our Features Editor, the Press room boy and his mate Steve, have flown to Paris for the weekend to check out the claims with Madame Claudine.

One of Madame Claudines attachments, our reporter said this one was particularly pleasurable

Arsenal injuries blamed on inappropriate use of zipper by players…..

Further rumours of the dangerous nature of Mr Wengers zipper have recently been coming out of the Arsenal Training Ground. It has been confirmed that several injuries to team members have not been caused when playing football but the result of Arsenal players taking the offending coat and flesh-eating zipper to the toilets for a quicky without the managers knowledge.

Abou Diaby has been the worst offender, with 40+ injuries and now into his sixth year of secretly using the zipper for his own pleasure. But several other players have also been ‘victim’ to the zipper and as a consequence, Arsenal currently have the worst injury record in the Premier League. A spokesperson for the Arsenal Medical Centre said there is an ongoing investigation to find out the reasons for the unprecedented number of injuries. Mr Wenger has been banned from bringing the coat to the Training Centre and the Emirates Stadium. Since the zipper ban several players are now returning to full fitness, including Abou Diaby.

since the zipper ban Diaby is often seen trying to pleasure himself

Other teams are now fearful of Wengers zipper……..

Since the allegations against Wenger and his zipper, teams in the Premier League are now changing their tactics against the Arsenal to avoid any injuries that may arise from coming into contact with the dangloid eating fiend. Teams now park the bus, preferring safety in numbers to protect their long balls when they counter attack, and therefore avoiding the short balls now used by Arsenal players because of their experiences with the zipper.

Teams have changed their tactics against Arsenal since the zipper accusations

Judge will make decision on testicle munching zipper…..

The situation between Mr Wenger and Mr Mourinho is not over. The Chelsea manager has filed charges but a court date has yet to be fixed. The Portuguese manager is also claiming £20 million in damages for the change in his voice which has risen several octaves since the attack and the psychological effect it has had on his sex life.

Mr Wengers defence lawyers have declined to comment but have confirmed that Stan Kroenkes firm of legal advisors will represent the Arsenal manager for an estimated fee of £6m. In a press statement the Arsenal Board of Directors have stated that the KSE lawyers are the best for the job so no other law firm has been contacted but added that Season Ticket prices may have to rise to cover payment to the Arsenal shareholder.

Sir Chips Keswick said: “The £6m fee was proposed by myself and Lord Harris in respect of a wide range of legal services offered by Kroenke Sports Enterprises. They have an extensive experience and it is of utmost importance that we use it to best advantage for Mr Wengers defence. There was no competitive tender – they were available to us, so competitive tender was not needed.”

Mr Vladimir Cluckenchov, a well known lawyer for the Russian mafia and business associate of the Chelsea owner Roman Abramovitch, will be representing Mr Mourinho. It has been rumoured that Mr Abramovitch is interested in purchasing Mr Wengers zipper and cloning it for use in his chain of Pole Dancing Clubs as a cheaper and more efficient alternative to women.

Vladimir Cluckenchov (the fat fucker on the right)  photographed last week at a Moscow club owned by Roman Abramovitch.

Louis van Gaal [Broke]-backs the Portuguese manager in recent statements……..

This week the Dutch manager has supported Jose Mourinho and said: “He’s very special but he is very special to me because we’ve continued our relationship, which in the football world is not always normal. That’s nice.” He continued to say:  “Any suggestion that my Special Portuguese friend has small ballon d’ors is ludicrous, I shared a shower with him on many occasion when we were at Barcelona together and although mine are somewhat larger, I can assure you his are of a good size”. Mourinho responded to the praise by saying: “Don’t make me speak for half an hour about him [van Gaal]. He knows what I feel about him”.

The special relationship between the two managers has fuelled rumours of an ongoing love affair between the two men. This Sunday the two managers will be up against each other again at Old Trafford.

Louis van Gaal pictured talking to the press this week

 

Jose Mourinho and Louis van Gaal

The Dutchman and the Chelsea boss at a Gay Pride march in 2010

Wenger avoids difficult questions about his defence…….

In his most recent interview with BBC’s Jacqui Oatley, when asked about his defence Mr Wenger became very agitated, arrogant and patronising towards the reporter. When pushed on his lack of defence options, the Frenchman retorted: “I don’t know why you would come up with such a question”.

Gary Lineker was very critical of the Arsenal boss after the interview, saying that Mr Wenger should apologise to the female journalist. But the Frenchman defended his response and told reporters: “I watched it when I got home and it didn’t look bad. You ask 100 people, 99 will say it’s not bad and the hundredth will be Gary Lineker.”

Since the interview with the BBC all Arsenal players have been banned by the club from speaking with reporters.

In the meantime, Mr Mourinho has been spotted limping around the Chelsea Training ground shouting in a high-pitched voice, ” I’ve got big Ballon d’Ors and my wife can confirm that, she calls them the special ones”. But an unidentified source close to the family has exclusively told a GunnersoreArse reporter Mrs Mourinho now jokes that after the zipper attack they are:…… “the not so special one and a half.”

Mourinho limps around shouting in a high-pitched voice, “My balls are this big!”

The Chelsea boss telling Arsenal supporters that he still has two

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…….. hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

In other news: Unemployment: Massive blow-Jobs on the decline in France- the statistics revealed on Page 2 by our correspondent in Provence.

On our Sports back page: Under-performing Gunners manage a 2-0 win at Sunderland despite injury problems.

GunnersoreArse, the Arsenal Sunday supplement bringing you all the football exclusives. Published every Sunday morning at 9am GMT. Only Madame Claudine can give you more satisfaction on a Sunday morning. Just phone for an appointment: 00 09 69 69 69. Calls charged at £0.69 per second plus the normal cost of your telephone provider.

Wenger must go………… it’s inevitable.

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

A slightly provocative title I know, but I don’t mean it like that. What I mean is that it is inevitable that he will eventually leave.  The greatest and most successful manager in the history of the Arsenal. Arsène Wenger will undoubtably be given this accolade but in my experience, people are not judged by all the good things they have done in the past, they are judged by their very last actions.

Are the management team at Arsenal already looking for a replacement? Is there someone already in the pipeline? Will Wenger make this his last 3 years at the helm? or will he renew his contract in 2017? Lots of ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’. There have been many bloggers and pundits examining the future management of our club, the belief being that this is probably Wengers last three seasons at the club. But who really knows, the board must be dreading the day when he finally tells them that he won’t be continuing. Will Wenger have a say in who replaces him? probably. Will Wenger stay on to oversee the transition? probably. There is the high likelihood that he may continue after the three-year contract has finished, perhaps on a rolling one year contract until a suitable replacement has been found. But in the meantime, lets examine some of the options.

I’ve based this list on what I’ve read on other blogs and preferences of other bloggers:

Jürgan Klopp: He seems to be the widely held favourite. His achievements in the game have been good at a very high level, at Borussia Dortmond he has won the DFB Supercup and back to back Bundersliga titles in 2010/11 and 2011/12 and at the same time in 2012 winning the domestic double. He got the team to the Champions league final in 2013, losing to Bayern. So he comes with a good pedigree.

Diego Simeone: Another favourite with the fans. Known for working within a strict budget and still finding success, very similar to Wenger. Since his time at Atlético Madrid he has won the UEFA Europa league in his first season, beat Chelsea in the final of the UEFA Super Cup in 2012 and the Copa del Rey in 2013. Atlético won La Liga in 2013/14 and went unbeaten in the Champions League till they lost to Real Madrid in the final in 2014, beating Mourinhos Chelsea on the way in the semi-final. They also won the Supercopa de Espana in 2014. Has achieved good things on a strict budget and without going mad with club funds in the transfer market.

Rudi Garcia: Considered to be one of the best current French coaches. Advocate of attacking football similar to Wenger. When at Lille completed the league and cup double in the 2010/11 season. Since his move to Roma in 2013, although having not yet won a trophy, but got them to second place in Serie A behind Juventus in the 2013/14 season.

Carlo Ancelotti: It’s easier just to make a list of Ancelottis achievements as a manager. It’s impressive and he’s still only 55 years old.

Juventus
Milan
Chelsea
Paris Saint-Germain
Real Madrid

Jose Mourinho: Ha ha, I’m only pulling your plonker. I doubt very much that the Arsenal board would ever consider Maureen and our supporters would be up in arms. But I reckon if he was asked, knowing how much he dislikes Wenger, he would do it. To try to prove that he could do a better job than the Frenchman.

Those are four top managers that are bandied around the bloggoshere as potential replacements for Arsène, there are others, like Roberto Martinez and possibly Juup Heynckes. And I’m sure the board are keeping a keen eye on Ronald Koeman at Southampton.

But will the Arsenal board break with the tradition of employing an unknown, unproven candidate. You just have to look at the four most successful managers of the club to see the pattern, Herbert Chapman, Bertie Mee, George Graham and Arsène Wenger. Before coming to the Arsenal Chapman had won two English league titles and a League Cup with Huddersfield Town and Wenger had won a French Championship and the Coupe de France with Monaco and in Japan had won the Emperor’s Cup and the Japanese Super Cup. So from the four managers who have brought the most success to Arsenal, between them only had seven trophies in total before managing Arsenal.

Personally I think the club will go for a young manager with potential but not necessarily experience. I’d like to see perhaps Patrick Viera teaming up with Dennis Bergkamp, possibly with Wenger staying on to offer guidance. Or perhaps Steve Bould is being groomed for the top job.

What Wenger has to do over the next three years is to make sure the club is in good health player wise. This will mean replacing some of the older players, Mertesacker, Arteta, Flamini and Koscielny. I doubt Arsène would want to do a Ferguson and leave the team in a bad way for his successor. Furthermore, he needs to make sure the current core of our younger players don’t get poached by some of the bigger clubs in Europe. Ramsey, Wilshere, Oxlade, Walcott will increasingly become targets. What can be sure is the board will be guided by Wenger in their choice of successor.

Wenger has a minimum of two years to guide the club towards a successful transition and hopefully, during that period to bring further silverware to the Emirates. He faces quite a large task.

Who would be your preferred replacement?

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo………. hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, the glossy Sunday supplement to read with your morning coffee and toast. Still looking for more subscribers and readers but not giving up yet. Every Sunday at 9am GMT.

 

Islington, the home of Arsenal in the late 1960’s. Heroes and Villains part 4.

 

Drayton Park Road on matchday (the mad mile)

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Cropped hair, Mohair suits, Sta Press trousers, Ben Shermans, trilbeys and Doc Martens was the style. The Rolling Stones, the Who, the Small Faces, the Kinks, Desmond Dekker  and Tamla Motown was the music and Islington was split between four gangs. Highbury, Holloway, Angel and Essex Road, and then you had the youngsters, the Little Highbury, Little Holloway, Little Angel and little Essex Road. This is where I fitted in, one of the little ones. And then at the bottom end of Caledonian Road you had Nash Court and York Way Court Estates both with their own little gangs. In 1969 I was 15 years old , a member of the Little Holloway and inter gang fights were the norm in Islington and sometimes branched out to Somers Town.

I lived in Sonning Street, in between Caledonian Road and Holloway Road. A twenty minute walk from Highbury Stadium. Five streets of dilapidated terraced houses due for slum clearance, Bride Street, Barbara Street, Sonning Street, Oldershaw Road and Leslie Street, sandwiched between Roman Way and Westbourne Road, where little gangs and rivalries regularly had showdowns and one-on-ones. Now it is a housing estate called the Vulcan Estate, the local planners must have been Trekkies, “Live Long and Prosper”.

This is a quote from British History online:

The other large scheme involved clearing a decayed area between Bride Street and George’s Road, where housing problems had been made worse by families displaced from Barnsbury seeking cheap private accommodation; the area was compared unfavourably with the worst city ghettoes in the U.S.A. 

In the 1970s the housing between Roman Way and Westbourne Road was replaced by two-storied houses and open spaces, with some roads closed to traffic, and old houses retained on the outskirts were gradually rehabilitated.

The majority of the members of the Islington gangs were also Arsenal supporters but on the Northbank local rivalries were forgotten and we were united in our support of the club and fought side by side. Our local rivalries were restricted to the occasional street fight, pub fight or more regularly, the major battles were pre-arranged and fought between two gangs on Highbury Fields. Johnny H was the leader of the Highbury and was viewed as the unquestionable leader of the Northbank. Despite being from a different gang I looked up to him on the Northbank and took every opportunity to be beside him when it kicked off at a match. I remember some great fights at Stamford Bridge, White Hart Lane and Upton Park.

Travelling to away games was all part of the excitement but I have some bad memories of getting a kicking on occasion. I remember once at Wolverhampton about 20 of the Northbank got separated from the main group, we were walking back to the train station when something like 100 Wolves supporters walked around a corner and started to chase us. Another bloke and I decided to take another route and ended up in a dead end street. About 10 Wolves supporters followed us and we got well battered, I still bare a scar above my left eye from that one. After a game at Stamford Bridge we stormed a pub full of Chelsea Shed boys in the Fulham Road. That was one hell of a battle and went on for at least 30 minutes. However, I ended up in hospital on that occasion, hit from behind with a bottle. I still bare a scar on the back of my neck from that one.

As a small group of delinquents in my area, some friends and I used to steal cars and see who could get to 100 mph along Drayton Park Road before the sharp bend into Gillespie Road and past the Arsenal tube station. We called it the Mad Mile and we mainly stole Mini Coopers, Cortina GT’s and the occasional Jag Mk 2. There was a house on that corner with a small front wall, that wall got destroyed a few times when one of us braked too late to take the bend. I was taught how to steal a car and how to drive by an older mate of mine when I was aged 13. I sat on a wall in Westbourne Road and he went through the basics of clutch, gears, brakes etc and then we went off and stole a Mini. I drove it along Holloway Road at 80 mph, screeching in second gear because I couldn’t change-up to third. But I got better and could often get to a ton before the bend on Drayton Park Road.

My cousin Richie had somehow become a part of the Angel gang, despite living in the same street as me in Holloway. One night he was walking home alone on Liverpool Road when I was with a few of the Holloway boys. They cornered Richie and gave him a right beating, I stood there and watched. Later that week, Richie and a few of his mates caught me on my own behind Chapel Street Market and I got it in return. Then on a Saturday we would stand side by side on the Northbank. There was a game against Everton at Highbury on one occasion when a group of blokes right at the back of the terracing started to sing Everton songs and shouting abuse. It turned out they were West Ham just there for a fight. There was only about 20 or 30 of them but the battle to get them off the Northbank took ages because of where they were and we were having to fight going up hill. We got them off eventually but the police had waded in and I was carried off by three coppers, down the east side of the Northbank, around the edge of the pitch and underneath the East Stands and chucked out onto Avenell Road from a small side door.

I’m not condoning football hooliganism but ask you to just think about what we had at the time. I lived with my parents in a house that was due for slum clearance, split into two, there were my parents, me, my brother and sister upstairs, my aunt, uncle and their two kids downstairs. We all shared the same toilet and had no bathroom and everyone had access to everyone elses living space. The local lads used to hang about at the bottom of the street, playing football and annoying the neighbours. On the corner of the street was a brothel run by Jamaicans and just over the road on the corner of Westbourne Road and Sheringham Road was a night club called the ‘Golden Star’, a reggae/blues club where most of the local Jamaican gangsters gathered. It was a tough area and you had to be tough to survive.

Most of us didn’t bother going to school and spent our days bunking off and hanging about in a cafe on Liverpool Road playing pin ball and listening to the Who on the dukebox. So life at the time consisted of stealing cars and petty crime, local gang fights and fights at football matches at the weekend, hanging about in a cafe all day long and of course girls. Highbury Fields was a favourite place for a bunk up but personally, I preferred the hallway in Morgan Mansions on Palmer Place, at the bottom end of Mackenzie Road. It was private and quiet and there was no chance of a few boys from another gang discovering you and giving you a kicking.

Hooliganism was bad publicity for the club but at the time we didn’t see it like that, we were shedding blood for the Arsenal. Going out at the weekend and fighting for the honour of our club, to some extent the football took second place. I know that when we walked down Holloway Road as a group or some High Street up north for an away game we frightened the hell out of the locals, but somehow it didn’t seem like that. Don’t get me wrong, we were there for the football as well, Bertie Mee was the manager,the team consisted of John Radford, Frank McClintock, Peter Storey, Ray Kennedy , George Graham, Geordie Armstrong and Bob Wilson. I’d yet to see them win a trophy but in 1970 that was to come with our Fairs Cup victory over Anderlecht. We’d lost 3-1 in the away leg and it looked doubtful that we would manage three or more goals in the game at Highbury. What a fucking night, we won 3-0. It was great to be on the Northbank that night. I got to visit most grounds in England during that time but by the time I was 17 I’d grown out of it and moved on to bigger and better things. It was a short period of my life where personal status was more important than the consequences. And as Roger Daltrey sang, ” I’m just talkin’ bout my  g-g-generation”.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…… hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, “People try to put us d-d-down, just because we g-g-get around” Every Sunday on the dot at 9am GMT.