GunnersoreArse Exclusive: Jose Mourinho says “Arsene Wengers zipper ate my Ballon d’Ors!”

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Serious allegations made against Wenger and his ball consuming zipper…..

Jose Mourinho has made allegations against Arsène Wenger and his malfunctioning zipper. In a recent press conference he told reporters that after the match at Stamford Bridge, Wenger approached him in the players tunnel and allowed his zipper to munch on the Chelsea managers Ballon d’Ors. Mr Mourinho said at first he quite enjoyed the experience but then he started to feel some pain [down there] and realised the French zipper was actually eating his prized possessions.

The trouble had started earlier on the pitch when the Arsenal manager had approached the Chelsea technical area, Mr Mourinho pushed the Frenchman away because he says Mr Wenger made a lewd suggestion about his zipper and the Portuguese managers private parts. In retaliation the Arsenal boss pushed Mourinho back.

Talking about Jose Mourinho after the Chelsea boss accused him, Wenger said: “He’s out of order, disconnected with reality and disrespectful. When you give success to stupid people, it makes them more stupid sometimes and not more intelligent.”

It started on the pitch, when push came to shove

Wenger has no control over his zipper….

Mr Wenger has denied any wrong doing, and stated: “My zipper has a mind of its own, I can never control the bloody thing, mon dieu! It even nibbles on my Alsace sausage and choucroute, mange tout, mange tout.” He went on to say that he can’t be blamed for the performance of his zipper. Recent video evidence seems to confirm Mr Wengers defence, on several occasions during matches he has been caught on camera struggling with the zipper and in frustration sometimes kicking water bottles.

Steve Bould, Assistant Arsenal manager, told reporters: “The thing is a f*”king menace, sitting next to the boss in the dugout you take your manhood into your own hands, I protect big willy and the twins at all times when the zipper is close by”.

Steve Bould pictured protecting big willy and the twins whilst Wenger struggles with the zipper

Mourinho is diagnosed as mentally damaged….

Mr Mourinho revealed that one Ballon d’Or had been severely damaged in the attack and needed emergency surgery. A nurse at the hospital who participated in the operation said it had been a delicate job and needed micro surgery due to the tiny size of the patients Ballons. It has been confirmed the patient will probably never be able to father more children. The nurse however, stated that with the small size of them she would have been amazed if it was ever possible even before the injury and surgery. The hospital psychiatrist has offered ongoing support, stating that the mental trauma to the Chelsea manager will be more damaging than the physical injury.

The cockney surgeon who performed the operation told our reporter: “It was unfortunate I couldn’t save one of Mr Mourinhos niagaras and as a consequence, there will be a 95% reduction in Gary Monk production for the Chelsea manager and hence an unlikely chance of him being able to produce further saucepan lids. I have explained the future problems to the patients trouble and strife who told me her old pot and pan normally preferred her aristotle rather than her jack and danny, so it wouldn’t be a big problem for her.”

An inside source at the hospital has told our reporter that whilst hospitalised Mr Mourinho enquired about having his Ballon d’Ors enlarged with silicone. In his most recent press conference, after the game with Crystal Palace, the Chelsea manager tried to play down the rumours of him having small molecules and wrote on a journalists notepad to show to the gathered reporters:

Voir l'image sur Twitter

Mourinho wrote this on a journalists notepad

Ex-girlfriend lost hand in sex struggle with Wengers zipper…..

A GunnersoreArse journalist travelled to Paris and tracked down an ex-girlfriend of Mr Wenger and she confirmed the offending zipper was indeed dangerous. Showing the reporter her metal prosthetic device she recounted the story of when she tried to get her hand on Mr Wengers under carriage and the zipper closed so viciously it severed the limb just below the elbow.

The 55 year-old woman, who described herself as an actress, asked not to be named to avoid embarrassment, but the GunnersoreArse Sunday Supplement can reveal it was Madame Claudine Rochefort, who lives at 69 rue de la République, Paris, 75003. She is unmarried and searching for a husband who likes the feel of cold steel on his pride and joys and she also has several electrical attachments which give immeasurable pleasure. For a small fee, demonstrations can be arranged with Madame Claudine by ringing this number: 00 09 69 69 69. Our GunnersoreArse reporter can confirm the fee is very reasonable for the service offered and on a second visit he paid 10% less with his loyalty card. However, his recent expense claims are currently being investigated by the GunnersoreArse auditors, who, along with our Editor-in-Chief, our Copy Editor, our Features Editor, the Press room boy and his mate Steve, have flown to Paris for the weekend to check out the claims with Madame Claudine.

One of Madame Claudines attachments, our reporter said this one was particularly pleasurable

Arsenal injuries blamed on inappropriate use of zipper by players…..

Further rumours of the dangerous nature of Mr Wengers zipper have recently been coming out of the Arsenal Training Ground. It has been confirmed that several injuries to team members have not been caused when playing football but the result of Arsenal players taking the offending coat and flesh-eating zipper to the toilets for a quicky without the managers knowledge.

Abou Diaby has been the worst offender, with 40+ injuries and now into his sixth year of secretly using the zipper for his own pleasure. But several other players have also been ‘victim’ to the zipper and as a consequence, Arsenal currently have the worst injury record in the Premier League. A spokesperson for the Arsenal Medical Centre said there is an ongoing investigation to find out the reasons for the unprecedented number of injuries. Mr Wenger has been banned from bringing the coat to the Training Centre and the Emirates Stadium. Since the zipper ban several players are now returning to full fitness, including Abou Diaby.

since the zipper ban Diaby is often seen trying to pleasure himself

Other teams are now fearful of Wengers zipper……..

Since the allegations against Wenger and his zipper, teams in the Premier League are now changing their tactics against the Arsenal to avoid any injuries that may arise from coming into contact with the dangloid eating fiend. Teams now park the bus, preferring safety in numbers to protect their long balls when they counter attack, and therefore avoiding the short balls now used by Arsenal players because of their experiences with the zipper.

Teams have changed their tactics against Arsenal since the zipper accusations

Judge will make decision on testicle munching zipper…..

The situation between Mr Wenger and Mr Mourinho is not over. The Chelsea manager has filed charges but a court date has yet to be fixed. The Portuguese manager is also claiming £20 million in damages for the change in his voice which has risen several octaves since the attack and the psychological effect it has had on his sex life.

Mr Wengers defence lawyers have declined to comment but have confirmed that Stan Kroenkes firm of legal advisors will represent the Arsenal manager for an estimated fee of £6m. In a press statement the Arsenal Board of Directors have stated that the KSE lawyers are the best for the job so no other law firm has been contacted but added that Season Ticket prices may have to rise to cover payment to the Arsenal shareholder.

Sir Chips Keswick said: “The £6m fee was proposed by myself and Lord Harris in respect of a wide range of legal services offered by Kroenke Sports Enterprises. They have an extensive experience and it is of utmost importance that we use it to best advantage for Mr Wengers defence. There was no competitive tender – they were available to us, so competitive tender was not needed.”

Mr Vladimir Cluckenchov, a well known lawyer for the Russian mafia and business associate of the Chelsea owner Roman Abramovitch, will be representing Mr Mourinho. It has been rumoured that Mr Abramovitch is interested in purchasing Mr Wengers zipper and cloning it for use in his chain of Pole Dancing Clubs as a cheaper and more efficient alternative to women.

Vladimir Cluckenchov (the fat fucker on the right)  photographed last week at a Moscow club owned by Roman Abramovitch.

Louis van Gaal [Broke]-backs the Portuguese manager in recent statements……..

This week the Dutch manager has supported Jose Mourinho and said: “He’s very special but he is very special to me because we’ve continued our relationship, which in the football world is not always normal. That’s nice.” He continued to say:  “Any suggestion that my Special Portuguese friend has small ballon d’ors is ludicrous, I shared a shower with him on many occasion when we were at Barcelona together and although mine are somewhat larger, I can assure you his are of a good size”. Mourinho responded to the praise by saying: “Don’t make me speak for half an hour about him [van Gaal]. He knows what I feel about him”.

The special relationship between the two managers has fuelled rumours of an ongoing love affair between the two men. This Sunday the two managers will be up against each other again at Old Trafford.

Louis van Gaal pictured talking to the press this week

 

Jose Mourinho and Louis van Gaal

The Dutchman and the Chelsea boss at a Gay Pride march in 2010

Wenger avoids difficult questions about his defence…….

In his most recent interview with BBC’s Jacqui Oatley, when asked about his defence Mr Wenger became very agitated, arrogant and patronising towards the reporter. When pushed on his lack of defence options, the Frenchman retorted: “I don’t know why you would come up with such a question”.

Gary Lineker was very critical of the Arsenal boss after the interview, saying that Mr Wenger should apologise to the female journalist. But the Frenchman defended his response and told reporters: “I watched it when I got home and it didn’t look bad. You ask 100 people, 99 will say it’s not bad and the hundredth will be Gary Lineker.”

Since the interview with the BBC all Arsenal players have been banned by the club from speaking with reporters.

In the meantime, Mr Mourinho has been spotted limping around the Chelsea Training ground shouting in a high-pitched voice, ” I’ve got big Ballon d’Ors and my wife can confirm that, she calls them the special ones”. But an unidentified source close to the family has exclusively told a GunnersoreArse reporter Mrs Mourinho now jokes that after the zipper attack they are:…… “the not so special one and a half.”

Mourinho limps around shouting in a high-pitched voice, “My balls are this big!”

The Chelsea boss telling Arsenal supporters that he still has two

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…….. hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

In other news: Unemployment: Massive blow-Jobs on the decline in France- the statistics revealed on Page 2 by our correspondent in Provence.

On our Sports back page: Under-performing Gunners manage a 2-0 win at Sunderland despite injury problems.

GunnersoreArse, the Arsenal Sunday supplement bringing you all the football exclusives. Published every Sunday morning at 9am GMT. Only Madame Claudine can give you more satisfaction on a Sunday morning. Just phone for an appointment: 00 09 69 69 69. Calls charged at £0.69 per second plus the normal cost of your telephone provider.

Advertisements

Wenger must go………… it’s inevitable.

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

A slightly provocative title I know, but I don’t mean it like that. What I mean is that it is inevitable that he will eventually leave.  The greatest and most successful manager in the history of the Arsenal. Arsène Wenger will undoubtably be given this accolade but in my experience, people are not judged by all the good things they have done in the past, they are judged by their very last actions.

Are the management team at Arsenal already looking for a replacement? Is there someone already in the pipeline? Will Wenger make this his last 3 years at the helm? or will he renew his contract in 2017? Lots of ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’. There have been many bloggers and pundits examining the future management of our club, the belief being that this is probably Wengers last three seasons at the club. But who really knows, the board must be dreading the day when he finally tells them that he won’t be continuing. Will Wenger have a say in who replaces him? probably. Will Wenger stay on to oversee the transition? probably. There is the high likelihood that he may continue after the three-year contract has finished, perhaps on a rolling one year contract until a suitable replacement has been found. But in the meantime, lets examine some of the options.

I’ve based this list on what I’ve read on other blogs and preferences of other bloggers:

Jürgan Klopp: He seems to be the widely held favourite. His achievements in the game have been good at a very high level, at Borussia Dortmond he has won the DFB Supercup and back to back Bundersliga titles in 2010/11 and 2011/12 and at the same time in 2012 winning the domestic double. He got the team to the Champions league final in 2013, losing to Bayern. So he comes with a good pedigree.

Diego Simeone: Another favourite with the fans. Known for working within a strict budget and still finding success, very similar to Wenger. Since his time at Atlético Madrid he has won the UEFA Europa league in his first season, beat Chelsea in the final of the UEFA Super Cup in 2012 and the Copa del Rey in 2013. Atlético won La Liga in 2013/14 and went unbeaten in the Champions League till they lost to Real Madrid in the final in 2014, beating Mourinhos Chelsea on the way in the semi-final. They also won the Supercopa de Espana in 2014. Has achieved good things on a strict budget and without going mad with club funds in the transfer market.

Rudi Garcia: Considered to be one of the best current French coaches. Advocate of attacking football similar to Wenger. When at Lille completed the league and cup double in the 2010/11 season. Since his move to Roma in 2013, although having not yet won a trophy, but got them to second place in Serie A behind Juventus in the 2013/14 season.

Carlo Ancelotti: It’s easier just to make a list of Ancelottis achievements as a manager. It’s impressive and he’s still only 55 years old.

Juventus
Milan
Chelsea
Paris Saint-Germain
Real Madrid

Jose Mourinho: Ha ha, I’m only pulling your plonker. I doubt very much that the Arsenal board would ever consider Maureen and our supporters would be up in arms. But I reckon if he was asked, knowing how much he dislikes Wenger, he would do it. To try to prove that he could do a better job than the Frenchman.

Those are four top managers that are bandied around the bloggoshere as potential replacements for Arsène, there are others, like Roberto Martinez and possibly Juup Heynckes. And I’m sure the board are keeping a keen eye on Ronald Koeman at Southampton.

But will the Arsenal board break with the tradition of employing an unknown, unproven candidate. You just have to look at the four most successful managers of the club to see the pattern, Herbert Chapman, Bertie Mee, George Graham and Arsène Wenger. Before coming to the Arsenal Chapman had won two English league titles and a League Cup with Huddersfield Town and Wenger had won a French Championship and the Coupe de France with Monaco and in Japan had won the Emperor’s Cup and the Japanese Super Cup. So from the four managers who have brought the most success to Arsenal, between them only had seven trophies in total before managing Arsenal.

Personally I think the club will go for a young manager with potential but not necessarily experience. I’d like to see perhaps Patrick Viera teaming up with Dennis Bergkamp, possibly with Wenger staying on to offer guidance. Or perhaps Steve Bould is being groomed for the top job.

What Wenger has to do over the next three years is to make sure the club is in good health player wise. This will mean replacing some of the older players, Mertesacker, Arteta, Flamini and Koscielny. I doubt Arsène would want to do a Ferguson and leave the team in a bad way for his successor. Furthermore, he needs to make sure the current core of our younger players don’t get poached by some of the bigger clubs in Europe. Ramsey, Wilshere, Oxlade, Walcott will increasingly become targets. What can be sure is the board will be guided by Wenger in their choice of successor.

Wenger has a minimum of two years to guide the club towards a successful transition and hopefully, during that period to bring further silverware to the Emirates. He faces quite a large task.

Who would be your preferred replacement?

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo………. hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, the glossy Sunday supplement to read with your morning coffee and toast. Still looking for more subscribers and readers but not giving up yet. Every Sunday at 9am GMT.

 

Islington, the home of Arsenal in the late 1960’s. Heroes and Villains part 4.

 

Drayton Park Road on matchday (the mad mile)

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Cropped hair, Mohair suits, Sta Press trousers, Ben Shermans, trilbeys and Doc Martens was the style. The Rolling Stones, the Who, the Small Faces, the Kinks, Desmond Dekker  and Tamla Motown was the music and Islington was split between four gangs. Highbury, Holloway, Angel and Essex Road, and then you had the youngsters, the Little Highbury, Little Holloway, Little Angel and little Essex Road. This is where I fitted in, one of the little ones. And then at the bottom end of Caledonian Road you had Nash Court and York Way Court Estates both with their own little gangs. In 1969 I was 15 years old , a member of the Little Holloway and inter gang fights were the norm in Islington and sometimes branched out to Somers Town.

I lived in Sonning Street, in between Caledonian Road and Holloway Road. A twenty minute walk from Highbury Stadium. Five streets of dilapidated terraced houses due for slum clearance, Bride Street, Barbara Street, Sonning Street, Oldershaw Road and Leslie Street, sandwiched between Roman Way and Westbourne Road, where little gangs and rivalries regularly had showdowns and one-on-ones. Now it is a housing estate called the Vulcan Estate, the local planners must have been Trekkies, “Live Long and Prosper”.

This is a quote from British History online:

The other large scheme involved clearing a decayed area between Bride Street and George’s Road, where housing problems had been made worse by families displaced from Barnsbury seeking cheap private accommodation; the area was compared unfavourably with the worst city ghettoes in the U.S.A. 

In the 1970s the housing between Roman Way and Westbourne Road was replaced by two-storied houses and open spaces, with some roads closed to traffic, and old houses retained on the outskirts were gradually rehabilitated.

The majority of the members of the Islington gangs were also Arsenal supporters but on the Northbank local rivalries were forgotten and we were united in our support of the club and fought side by side. Our local rivalries were restricted to the occasional street fight, pub fight or more regularly, the major battles were pre-arranged and fought between two gangs on Highbury Fields. Johnny H was the leader of the Highbury and was viewed as the unquestionable leader of the Northbank. Despite being from a different gang I looked up to him on the Northbank and took every opportunity to be beside him when it kicked off at a match. I remember some great fights at Stamford Bridge, White Hart Lane and Upton Park.

Travelling to away games was all part of the excitement but I have some bad memories of getting a kicking on occasion. I remember once at Wolverhampton about 20 of the Northbank got separated from the main group, we were walking back to the train station when something like 100 Wolves supporters walked around a corner and started to chase us. Another bloke and I decided to take another route and ended up in a dead end street. About 10 Wolves supporters followed us and we got well battered, I still bare a scar above my left eye from that one. After a game at Stamford Bridge we stormed a pub full of Chelsea Shed boys in the Fulham Road. That was one hell of a battle and went on for at least 30 minutes. However, I ended up in hospital on that occasion, hit from behind with a bottle. I still bare a scar on the back of my neck from that one.

As a small group of delinquents in my area, some friends and I used to steal cars and see who could get to 100 mph along Drayton Park Road before the sharp bend into Gillespie Road and past the Arsenal tube station. We called it the Mad Mile and we mainly stole Mini Coopers, Cortina GT’s and the occasional Jag Mk 2. There was a house on that corner with a small front wall, that wall got destroyed a few times when one of us braked too late to take the bend. I was taught how to steal a car and how to drive by an older mate of mine when I was aged 13. I sat on a wall in Westbourne Road and he went through the basics of clutch, gears, brakes etc and then we went off and stole a Mini. I drove it along Holloway Road at 80 mph, screeching in second gear because I couldn’t change-up to third. But I got better and could often get to a ton before the bend on Drayton Park Road.

My cousin Richie had somehow become a part of the Angel gang, despite living in the same street as me in Holloway. One night he was walking home alone on Liverpool Road when I was with a few of the Holloway boys. They cornered Richie and gave him a right beating, I stood there and watched. Later that week, Richie and a few of his mates caught me on my own behind Chapel Street Market and I got it in return. Then on a Saturday we would stand side by side on the Northbank. There was a game against Everton at Highbury on one occasion when a group of blokes right at the back of the terracing started to sing Everton songs and shouting abuse. It turned out they were West Ham just there for a fight. There was only about 20 or 30 of them but the battle to get them off the Northbank took ages because of where they were and we were having to fight going up hill. We got them off eventually but the police had waded in and I was carried off by three coppers, down the east side of the Northbank, around the edge of the pitch and underneath the East Stands and chucked out onto Avenell Road from a small side door.

I’m not condoning football hooliganism but ask you to just think about what we had at the time. I lived with my parents in a house that was due for slum clearance, split into two, there were my parents, me, my brother and sister upstairs, my aunt, uncle and their two kids downstairs. We all shared the same toilet and had no bathroom and everyone had access to everyone elses living space. The local lads used to hang about at the bottom of the street, playing football and annoying the neighbours. On the corner of the street was a brothel run by Jamaicans and just over the road on the corner of Westbourne Road and Sheringham Road was a night club called the ‘Golden Star’, a reggae/blues club where most of the local Jamaican gangsters gathered. It was a tough area and you had to be tough to survive.

Most of us didn’t bother going to school and spent our days bunking off and hanging about in a cafe on Liverpool Road playing pin ball and listening to the Who on the dukebox. So life at the time consisted of stealing cars and petty crime, local gang fights and fights at football matches at the weekend, hanging about in a cafe all day long and of course girls. Highbury Fields was a favourite place for a bunk up but personally, I preferred the hallway in Morgan Mansions on Palmer Place, at the bottom end of Mackenzie Road. It was private and quiet and there was no chance of a few boys from another gang discovering you and giving you a kicking.

Hooliganism was bad publicity for the club but at the time we didn’t see it like that, we were shedding blood for the Arsenal. Going out at the weekend and fighting for the honour of our club, to some extent the football took second place. I know that when we walked down Holloway Road as a group or some High Street up north for an away game we frightened the hell out of the locals, but somehow it didn’t seem like that. Don’t get me wrong, we were there for the football as well, Bertie Mee was the manager,the team consisted of John Radford, Frank McClintock, Peter Storey, Ray Kennedy , George Graham, Geordie Armstrong and Bob Wilson. I’d yet to see them win a trophy but in 1970 that was to come with our Fairs Cup victory over Anderlecht. We’d lost 3-1 in the away leg and it looked doubtful that we would manage three or more goals in the game at Highbury. What a fucking night, we won 3-0. It was great to be on the Northbank that night. I got to visit most grounds in England during that time but by the time I was 17 I’d grown out of it and moved on to bigger and better things. It was a short period of my life where personal status was more important than the consequences. And as Roger Daltrey sang, ” I’m just talkin’ bout my  g-g-generation”.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…… hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, “People try to put us d-d-down, just because we g-g-get around” Every Sunday on the dot at 9am GMT.

Sanchez, Welbeck And Theo

Welcome to the Gunnersoresrse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Instead of attempting to write a match preview for the game at Stamford Bridge I’ve decided to look at the exciting prospect of Theos return. The Chelsea game is beyond my capabilities because I think last years result would make me too negative about this afternoons game.

Special Weapons and Tactics………. our new forward line. I’m looking slightly into the future at the moment, when Theo will hopefully be back in the team after the International break. Whether he gets straight back into the team is another question but if he does we have a pacy formidable forward line. When it is deemed that he is fit to play it may take some time for him to get fully match fit but the possibility of him playing up front alongside Welbeck and Sanchez is mouth-watering.

The Ox has been playing well and as a bonus, has started to form a good understanding with Chambers on the right wing. If the relationship between the two gets better then both Theo and Debuchy could have problems getting back into the starting XI. However, many are excitedly anticipating the return of Walcott. The extra pace he’ll bring and the goal scoring potential which was starting to improve before his injury is something to look forward to. He was scheduled to return for the game against the Spuds but this has been delayed so I’m not predicting any return date but would hope it will be just after the International break.

So last season Liverpool had SAS and this season we will soon have  S.W.A.T. Just imagine that forward line, Sanchez on the left, Welbeck in the middle and Theo on the right, with Ozil orchestrating things just behind in central midfield. If you don’t start dribbling down your chin at that prospect then you have a serious problem. What we have already seen from Danny boy and Alexis over the last few games is what Wenger described as, “electric”. Add into that mix Ozils contributions and the possibilities are mind-blowing. I don’t think there will be many teams in the Premier League who will be able to contain such pace.

Welbecks trio against Galatasaray will clearly have given his confidence a boost and his recent comments would confirm such an assumption. I know people have been saying that it was against a very poor side but that is denying the fine performance by Danny and how well he took his goals. There is better to come and when Theo rejoins the ranks it will only improve the potential. With Gibbs and Chambers working well along the wings our attacking options are going to be awesome, something we clearly lacked last season. Counter attacking football has not been one of Wengers favourite tactics but I wouldn’t be surprised to see this used more often now that we have the pace up front and two skilled wingbacks adding to the potential. Ozil seems to be enjoying the speed potential of Sanchez and Welbeck as well, so with Theo on the other wing his options for play making and opening up defences will start to come to fruition.

I don’t know about you but I’m really excited about the next few months, todays game is the only fly in the ointment as far as I can see. If we can nick a draw I will be over the moon, if we come away having lost 1-0 I won’t be overly disappointed. But the most important thing is we come away from the game with respect, pride and heads held high. I don’t want to see Maureens smug and gloating face in the post match interviews.

I’m not even sure I will be able to bring myself to watch the match but I probably will…… just in case we have a blinder and win the game. At least I’ll be in a bar where if it all goes tits up I can drown my sorrows quickly.  After today’s match we have a fairly good run of games until Liverpool away in mid December. So bring it on and call S.W.A.T.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…… hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time. Enjoy the match wherever you are watching it in the world. COYG’s

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, trying to look on the bright side of being a Gooner. Every Sunday at 9am GMT. Tune in for your weekend dose of sore arse.

Arsene Wenger and his arrogant French genes…. ooh la la!

They think they have the best wines, they think they have the best cuisine, they think they have the best cheeses, they think their women are the most beautiful, they think their country is the most magnificent, they think their language is the most poetic and they think their baguettes are the biggest and best in the world. This is the French attitude and Arsène Wenger is one of them and furthermore, he is from Alsace, so throw in some German stubbornness as well and you have a very arrogant, proud and stubborn man.

Genes are passed on from generation to generation but so are attitudes and the French attitude, passed from generation to generation  is one of arrogance, they can do no wrong and everything they do is right and the best. I’ve lived in ‘La Belle France’ now for over 15 years and spent some of that time married to a French woman. My experience with the French mirrors exactly the Wenger attitude, “I will do it my way and no other and you will do it my way as well”. According to the French everyone else is wrong and they just love it when they can say, “See, I was right all along”. Even though you may argue that they didn’t get it right. Their arrogance ignores everything to the contrary.

This is Arsène Wenger, his team selections, his game tactics, his transfer policy and his everyday attitude and comments. Nothing we or anyone else say can alter his vision as to how the Arsenal should operate and play. I was often frustrated with my ex French wifes arrogance and it is no different with Wenger, he has that same effect on me. She thought that French music was the best in the world and it led to many arguments, and this was where my English arrogance came into play, British music rules the world I’d say, we don’t have much else to be proud of, but music is up there, along with fashion. But my wife would have none of that, oh no, not at all. Fashion she’d shout, “the French invented fashion, and the French sing the most beautiful and poetic music in the world, it’s not my fault that you cannot understand the French lyrics”!  And as the Bard so succinctly said, there in lies the rub.

I would bet that when Wenger gets home from a hard day at the office, he doesn’t turn on the stereo and slip in a Granville Bantock CD or listen to the Rolling Stones, Zeppelin or Coldplay and drink a can of John Smiths whilst waiting for his missus to cook the Cottage pie. I would put money on him listening to Gabriel Fauré or George Brassens whilst his wife cooks a Cordon Bleu French dinner and he drinks Bordeaux wine and after the meal he’ll eat Camembert with Normandy butter and a French baguette, and in the French way he will eat his French cheese before his dessert. And why would he do that, the answer is simple, because he believes the French have it right, only the French produce these things to perfection and better than anywhere else in the world. It is the French way, they know no different, or to be more exact, they don’t believe it can be done any better.

As Lambert Wilson (the character Merovingian in the Matrix ) said:

“Château Haut-Brion 1959, magnificent wine, I love French wine, like I love the French language. I have sampled every language, French is my favourite – fantastic language, especially to curse with. Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperies de connards d’enculé de ta mère. It’s like wiping your arse with silk, I love it.”

That is one thing I do agree upon about the French language, it is fantastic to curse with, mon dieu!

The French and the British have a longstanding relationship and history of love and hate, and many Arsenal supporters either love or hate Wenger, but ultimately, he will do things his way. It has to be accepted just like I had to accept the arrogance of my ex Frenchy wife, but actually I didn’t, I left her because it got too much. But will I leave Wenger, of course not. Because he is just part of a long line of managerial appointments and has brought great success to the Arsenal because of his arrogant and stubborn ways. Ultimately, he is just a cog in our long and glorious history and will eventually pass the reins onto someone else. In the meantime, he has another three years to prove that his arrogance  will bring further success to the club. The FA Cup was a start, the new signings are a move in the right direction and his attitude, well, that’s something we have to accept… he’s going to do it his way and no matter what we say, he isn’t going to change. So if you don’t agree with his French arrogance and stubborn attitude, then you can do the same as I did with my adorable but arrogant Frenchy wife, leave.

The French say they have a sense of humour but it is a humour that no one else in the world can understand, because their humour is based solely on their language, jeu de mots, puns and ridicule, language games that are solely for their enjoyment and excludes everyone else. French music is the best in the world for the French because nobody else listens to it so they have to say it’s the best, no one else will. You have to go back to Edith Piaf and Maurice Chevalier for French music listened to by the rest of the world.

Arsène Wenger, you just have to love him for his arrogance and stubbornness, just as I love the French despite moaning about them occasionally. It is their way, they have been raised to think like that and know no different. To be honest, many of the French things they believe are the best in  the world… well actually, they are. So it’s not worth moaning about Wenger and his attitude, you have to blame the French race…….. it’s the way they are, it’s in their genes and in their history. They think they are the best and above everyone else. It will never change and we can’t change them, it’s pointless in even trying because they will just arrogantly argue as to why they are the best.

It’s the past that defines us and the French have a history of arrogance and stubbornness, this is Arsène Wenger. He has a great history with the Gunners and love him or hate him, he has defined the club as we see it today. To prove my theory about French arrogance just take for an example Wenger telling the world that his team would go a season unbeaten, the only thing behind a prediction like that is arrogance. No one else would make a statement like that, but he was right.

William the conqueror invaded England in 1066 and changed our history, Wenger invaded the Arsenal in 1996 and changed our history… we will know in three years time when history tells us whether his arrogance and stubbornness has made him the greatest manager in our history. In the meantime we’ll have to live with the frustration of him doing things his way, and only his way, despite sometimes being in the wrong. His arrogance will continue with his sometimes strange team selections and tactics, either until he gets it right or until it all goes wrong. It’s the French way! As Edith Piaf sang, ” Non, Je ne regrette rien”.

 

Premier League Predictions: 27/09/14

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

I’m putting on my Mystic Meg knickers today and gazing at my crystal balls.

Liverpool 2  Everton 2

Chelsea 3 Aston Villa 2

Crystal Palace 1 Leicester 3

Hull 1 Man City 1

Man Utd 1 West Ham 2

Southampton 2  QPR 0

Sunderland 0 Swansea 2

Arsenal 4 Spuds 1

Can anyone do better?

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo. Enjoy the match wherever you are in the world. I’ll be watching the game at the Bar des Halles.

Football as entertainment…. what a thriller!

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

As entertainment goes, yesterdays game hit the mark, it’s just a shame Welbeck didn’t on the 11th minute, chipping over Hart to hit the post, something Giroud would probably not have done and hitting the ball straight at the keeper. Looking at it purely on the basis of a good, thrilling match I don’t have any complaints about the draw. However, at 2-1 I thought we could have held on for the three points but then the injury Gods paid us another visit. It looked bad when Debuchy went down, my first thought was that it was a break but they are saying it may just be a badly twisted ankle, but he could be out for some time. A defender injury is something we were all dreading and will now seriously ask questions of our lack of depth in defensive players.

That however, was the only negative to a very good game of football. At times our play was sublime but City gave us a lesson on how to counter attack with fluidity and speed, it was breathtaking to watch at times. I was in the bar  drinking with a French friend and his ooh’s and ah’s every time our opponents attacked really started to get on my tits. We did well to contain them but on two occasions the defending was slack. Aguero was left alone in the box for the first goal and once again a set piece was our downfall, Demichelis was left on his own to take a free header. I’ve never been a fan of zonal marking and those two goals showed its flaws. On the plus side Wilshere had a brilliant game playing at the top of the diamond and took his goal very well, he seemed to relish playing there and it looks good for the future.  Sanchez added to his tally with a great volley and he and Welbeck could end up making a formidable pairing. Overall we played a good game, Welbeck seemed to fit in well for his first game. Coming from behind is becoming a habit.

My only disappointment was in Özil, he didn’t have a good game and often just disappeared. Not sure what’s going on for him at the moment but since returning from the World Cup he seems to be struggling with his form. Perhaps he has problems at home, perhaps he is playing too much with Mrs Özils Mezuts? But when you look at her you can’t really blame him can you, those Mezuts look very inviting and could be the problem?

 

Mrs Mezut, Mandy Capristo… aka Mandy’s Mezuts

It’s worrying that Chelsea have already opened up a six point lead above us but they’ll slip up soon, perhaps next weekend at Man City? We now move on to our next game and if the boys continue playing the football they did yesterday then I can see us getting a result on Tuesday in Germany, our spirit and quality are starting to show. Now awaiting the medical assessment on Debuchy, lets hope it’s not that bad.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…… hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

GunnersoreArse, the Sunday supplement which takes your mind off large  juicy Mezuts!