Portrait of a flawed genius. Court case: FIFA vs Saurez.

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

This is the sentencing report I would have presented to FIFA.

Pre-sentence report

Defendant: Luis Alberto Diaz Suarez -D.O.B. 24/01/1987.  

This report has been prepared following one interview with the defendant. I’ve had access to antecedents and previous convictions, plus video and photographic evidence.

The Offence:

1. Mr Saurez explained at interview that the situation had been extremely tense and stressful. He told me that he had suffered quite a lot of physical contact during the game and was severely ‘wound up’. He remembers moving towards the victim with the intention of scoring a goal and was adament that he had no intention of causing injury or harm. However, the defendant then had problems explaining what occurred next. He became very confused and agitated when I asked him to explain further and he just kept repeating that the victims shoulder moved towards his mouth and hurt his teeth.

2. When shown photographs of the injury caused to the victim the defendant denied any intent to cause damage. He explained that his teeth are rather large and if a shoulder comes into contact with them then some damage is inevitable, he continued to say that it wasn’t his fault and denied all culpability.

Social and family Background:

3. The defendant was born in Salto, Uruguay being the fourth son in a family of seven boys. At the age of seven his family moved to Montevideo. He described a difficult upbringing, explaining that his parents seperated when he was aged nine years. The defendant describes himself as being of ‘mixed race’ and told me that his grandfather was black. He developed his footballing skills in the back streets of Montevideo from an early age. At interview the defendant was guarded about his upbringing, and apart from explaining that it had been a difficult period, he appeared to resist giving further information that could be of value to the court. From my observations it would appear that perhaps difficulties experienced during his early development are deeper than he admits and could possibly be the foundation of his aggressive behaviour.

Present Circumstances:

4. Mr Suarez is a married man with two children. He currently lives in the Merseyside area of England and has been employed full-time by Liverpool Football Club as a Striker since 2011. His salary is in the region of £800,000 per month. He describes a happy marriage and told me he adores his children. He also plays international football for his country, Uruguay.

5. The defendant is clearly a very talented footballer. He brings joy to millions of people with his skills and goal scoring. He is worshipped by football fans worldwide. In some quarters he is classed as a footballing genius and still has much to offer the footballing world, he is clearly an outstanding talent but with serious shortcomings and his fame as a footballer is already being tarnished by his unnacceptable behaviour on the pitch. Therefore, to allow him to truly reach the exalted heights of fame which his footballing talents deserve, intervention to stop the defendants violent behaviour is neccessary.

6. I’m led to believe that Mr Saurez also contributes regularly towards charitable causes and generally, in his social life, is an amiable person. However, as a professional footballer, on the world stage, he has to recognise he has a responsibilty. Children the world over watch him play football, admire him and want to replicate his achievements. If his image however, is one of violently biting opponents it is not a good  example for children to see him going unpunished and he needs to reflect upon his position as a public figure who is continually in the spotlight.

Previous Convictions:

7. The defendant has two previous convictions for similar offences. In 2010 in Holland, he was convicted of attacking an opponent with his teeth and received a 7 match ban. In 2013, in the Premier League, he was convicted of the same offence and sentenced to a 10 match suspension. Furthermore, in 2011 he was convicted of racially abusing an opponent and recieved an 8 match ban and a £40,000 fine. An offence which he continues to deny.

8. It is clear therefore that Mr Suarez is a recidevist, previous sentences have not curtailed his behaviour, especially the violence of biting an opponent. It will be of concern to the Court that he continues to deny responsibility for his actions, often saying it is, “just how things happen in football”.


9. With Mr Suarez continueing to deny any malice or pre-meditation in this offence, the matter of sentencing is hindered. Furthermore, with his list of previous convictions for the same offence, the probability of further offending is extremely high and a startegy needs to be put into place to prevent further offences. Therefore, I would suggest a four part sentencing strategy that would not only punish the defendant for the current offence, but would also offer a clear deterent from further unacceptable behaviour. If the Court is willing to accept my recommendation then my proposal for sentencing would be:

  •  An immediate ban from international and domestic matches for 3 months.
  •  A fine equivelant to 2 months salary. (To be used for a Community Project)
  •  A psychological assessment and further psychiatric intervention if deemed neccessary.
  •  A suspended sentence of a life ban from football if the defendant repeats a similar offence (biting) within the period of his remaining footballing career.

10. These sentencing measures would send a clear message to the defendant that his behaviour is totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated in the future. It would offer psychological intervention to prevent further violence and to deal with any underlying issues. Furthermore, Mr Saurez will have a clear understanding that if he were to bite another player violently in the future his footballing career would be over. Such a sentencing plan would , I believe, make the defendant seriously think twice before acting so irrationally again in the future.

Right yer ‘onour, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo……. Hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

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WC fever, other nasties and the new fixture list.


Welcome to the GunnersoreArse Blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

As Arsenal fans, we have all been worried about our players picking up serious injuries in Brazil. But there are other Eden Hazards and dangers of being an international footballer. Even more so when they play a world cup competition somewhere like Brazil. Violence and the crime rate in South America gets a bad press, but many people have already been Arjen Robbened and it’s advisable to always be on the lookout for Igor Akinfeevs, keep your Van Purses in a safe place and only carry small amounts of Cashley Cole on you at any one time.

In Brazil there are also health problems caused by food and water.  Contaminated Frank Lebouef, undercooked Bacary Lasagna and contaminated non-drinking water can lead to Delhi Dembélé, Marco diarReus, Alex Salmonella, Carlton Cholera, chronic irritable Gareth Bowel syndrome and Septic Bladder, causing severe Mezut Özillness, with Per Mertesicker all over the floor and leaving a Kevin de Bruyne Lionel Messi in the WC!

Tropical diseases can be  spread by the Gerard Piqué of the mosquito, these include Malaria Balotelli and Cristian Tello fever which are common throughout Brazil and can be fatal.

On top of all those health risks, players are also being warned not to go out looking for Loose Van Girls for a piece of Samuel Umtitti and Rod Fanni. The risks of  catching something nasty in Brazil like Aids Adebayor, Ole Gonorrhea Solskjaer and Hepatitus Bramble are seriously high just for dipping your chorizo into some local samba sauces. Players are therefore being advised to keep their Wilfried Bony in their trousers, (With a special warning to the French team). Instead players are being told to stay in their hotel rooms and have a Louri Jerkhov instead. And for those players who are on the other side of off-side,  who wear short shirts like Larse Bender, preferring Roman Weidenfellers and some Lee Bum-young, there is the added danger of suffering from a painful GunnersoreArse.

So if the Arsenal players currently in Brazil can avoid all these dangers and also return home un-injured, then for me it would have been a good World Cup.  But in general it has been a very exciting first week to the tournament. The teams shining at the moment are Germany, Holland and France plus the surprise underdogs Costa Rica, Chile and Ghana for their heroic game against the Germans last night. There are already two potential best goals of the competition, Van Persie against Spain and Cahill against Holland. Out of the ex-Arsenal players having a good World Cup, Gervinho needs to be mentioned. Disappointments so far, Ronaldo and Diego Costa. Ronaldo probably due to carrying a knee injury but Costa because he just wasn’t good enough, we won’t get a chance to see Costa improve, because like Spain, his WC is over. Argentina have also been a disappointment, with a front three of Aguero, Messi and Higuain I was expecting better. England turned up but the naivity of team selection and tactics could still see Woy out of a job. My dark horse prediction of Belgium getting to the final started off slowly but there is still room for them to improve. So far there have been some excellent games, attacking play being the tactic of the day, lets hope it continues all the way to the final.

Premier League fixtures 2014/15

On Wednesday the 2014/15 fixture list was published. What delights can we hopefully look forward to………

Dates to be cheerful: Part II.

Aug 23rd 2014 – Away Everton: An early test, second league game of the season. Can we prove that there has been improvement on last seasons game at Goodison Park.

Oct 4th 2014 – Away Chelsea: Last years memory of Wengers 1000th game needs to be avenged, nothing less. If any game this season is going to show that AW has learned from last season, this is the one. Plus we’ll have the joy of seeing Fabregas playing in blue.

Dec 20th 2014 – Away Liverpool: Twenty minutes of hell, that’s what I remember from last seasons match. I was watching the game in a bar and I was transfixed on the large TV screen, looking at it in horror as the Liverpool forwards ripped us apart and we fell apart.

Jan 17th 2015 – Away Man City: Positive thinking, we scored three goals in the corresponding game last season.

May 16th 2015 – Away Man Utd: In a season when Man Utd were at their weakest for several seasons, we failed to take advantage. That old chestnut – fear factor- took a hold and we didn’t have the dangloids.

No points from any of those games last season and a total of 21 goals in the deficit column. If we can get 6/8 points from the first four of those games then that will be a vast improvement and show the credentials needed for a serious title challenge. The penultimate game at Old Trafford could be very interesting. What game are you looking forward to see next season?

Right, time for a glass of wine and some chorizo…… hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

Every Sunday morning at 9am GMT. Don’t miss your dose of GunnersoreArse. Lubrication optional.