This Community Shield will be more than just a Friendly….

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog, being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

The Arsenal blog for Gunners who have strayed from the path of righteousness.

I know people say that the Community Shield is just a friendly and nothing should be assumed from the result, but we are talking Chavs here, can you really expect me to accept it as a game that will not have consequences for the rest of the season? Maureen has dominated in the exchanges with Wenger and now is perhaps the time to reverse that trend.

Psychologically, todays game is going to have far-reaching effects. I don’t envisage either manager taking the game lightly, both will field a strong XI and go all out to win. The premiership this coming season is going to be between these two teams so todays result will be an indication as to who finishes top. So not just a friendly.. it’s gonna be war!

On team news Wenger has stated that Ospina was back in training on Tuesday, Alexis will be back this weekend but Welbeck is still unavailable through injury. So for our attack today we have Giroud, Ozil, Oxlade and Walcott available, Akpom however, has gone out on loan. Trying to second guess Arsénes team selection I would go with this:

submit football lineup

Subs: Ospina or Martinez, Monreal, Paul Easter, Oxlade, Wilshere, Chambers, Bellerin.

That’s a strong XI and capable of beating Chelsea on their day. Will today be that day?

It’s now 13 games in which Arséne has failed to beat the ‘mouthy one’ so it’s about time to alter that statistic don’t you think. That’s why this game is definitely not a friendly and why both managers will go all out to win.

Maureen on Sunday’s game: ‘It’s not a friendly, it’s more than that, but it’s less than a Premier League match.’  He has even suggested that he will play Costa, which goes to show how he is viewing the game.

Arsène Wenger also admits that Sunday’s Community Shield against Chelsea “will not be a friendly”.

Wenger hopes his side will maintain their momentum against the champions, but warned against reading too much into the result.

“We have to accept that every game is decided and judged as definite,” he said. “But you know that in real life it is not like that. The tribunal is out there and will draw conclusions from Sunday.”

From my point of view, it will be a strong psychological advantage for the winners. Whether that will translate in to who goes on to win the league is debatable, history tells us that it’s not necessarily the case, however, after beating City in the Community Shield last season we went on to get 4 points from our two League games against them.

So any Gooners out there who think todays game is a friendly and not a ‘must win game’, please think again. There is a lot at stake and it should be treated as a serious game. By thinking it’s a friendly you are doing a disservice to Wenger who I’m sure is taking it very seriously… and you know why, because it’s against Maureen.

So drop your trousers Maureen and bend over, we have the grease ready and are aiming for deep penetration.

_______________________________________oOo_____________________________________

Fantasy Premier League: 

If anyone is interested in a little bit of Fantasy, I’ve set up a Fantasy Premier League, it’s the League of Smegs and the code is: 165030-44791. Just go to the Fantasy Premier League site, log in, choose your team and then go to leagues and choose private league and type in the code. Just for fun amongst friends and I,m sure Cockie and Transplant would have fun choosing their team name. But beware, they have rules about anything offensive.

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo whilst I search a bit of smut.

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GunnersoreArse Exclusive: Jose Mourinho says “Arsene Wengers zipper ate my Ballon d’Ors!”

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Serious allegations made against Wenger and his ball consuming zipper…..

Jose Mourinho has made allegations against Arsène Wenger and his malfunctioning zipper. In a recent press conference he told reporters that after the match at Stamford Bridge, Wenger approached him in the players tunnel and allowed his zipper to munch on the Chelsea managers Ballon d’Ors. Mr Mourinho said at first he quite enjoyed the experience but then he started to feel some pain [down there] and realised the French zipper was actually eating his prized possessions.

The trouble had started earlier on the pitch when the Arsenal manager had approached the Chelsea technical area, Mr Mourinho pushed the Frenchman away because he says Mr Wenger made a lewd suggestion about his zipper and the Portuguese managers private parts. In retaliation the Arsenal boss pushed Mourinho back.

Talking about Jose Mourinho after the Chelsea boss accused him, Wenger said: “He’s out of order, disconnected with reality and disrespectful. When you give success to stupid people, it makes them more stupid sometimes and not more intelligent.”

It started on the pitch, when push came to shove

Wenger has no control over his zipper….

Mr Wenger has denied any wrong doing, and stated: “My zipper has a mind of its own, I can never control the bloody thing, mon dieu! It even nibbles on my Alsace sausage and choucroute, mange tout, mange tout.” He went on to say that he can’t be blamed for the performance of his zipper. Recent video evidence seems to confirm Mr Wengers defence, on several occasions during matches he has been caught on camera struggling with the zipper and in frustration sometimes kicking water bottles.

Steve Bould, Assistant Arsenal manager, told reporters: “The thing is a f*”king menace, sitting next to the boss in the dugout you take your manhood into your own hands, I protect big willy and the twins at all times when the zipper is close by”.

Steve Bould pictured protecting big willy and the twins whilst Wenger struggles with the zipper

Mourinho is diagnosed as mentally damaged….

Mr Mourinho revealed that one Ballon d’Or had been severely damaged in the attack and needed emergency surgery. A nurse at the hospital who participated in the operation said it had been a delicate job and needed micro surgery due to the tiny size of the patients Ballons. It has been confirmed the patient will probably never be able to father more children. The nurse however, stated that with the small size of them she would have been amazed if it was ever possible even before the injury and surgery. The hospital psychiatrist has offered ongoing support, stating that the mental trauma to the Chelsea manager will be more damaging than the physical injury.

The cockney surgeon who performed the operation told our reporter: “It was unfortunate I couldn’t save one of Mr Mourinhos niagaras and as a consequence, there will be a 95% reduction in Gary Monk production for the Chelsea manager and hence an unlikely chance of him being able to produce further saucepan lids. I have explained the future problems to the patients trouble and strife who told me her old pot and pan normally preferred her aristotle rather than her jack and danny, so it wouldn’t be a big problem for her.”

An inside source at the hospital has told our reporter that whilst hospitalised Mr Mourinho enquired about having his Ballon d’Ors enlarged with silicone. In his most recent press conference, after the game with Crystal Palace, the Chelsea manager tried to play down the rumours of him having small molecules and wrote on a journalists notepad to show to the gathered reporters:

Voir l'image sur Twitter

Mourinho wrote this on a journalists notepad

Ex-girlfriend lost hand in sex struggle with Wengers zipper…..

A GunnersoreArse journalist travelled to Paris and tracked down an ex-girlfriend of Mr Wenger and she confirmed the offending zipper was indeed dangerous. Showing the reporter her metal prosthetic device she recounted the story of when she tried to get her hand on Mr Wengers under carriage and the zipper closed so viciously it severed the limb just below the elbow.

The 55 year-old woman, who described herself as an actress, asked not to be named to avoid embarrassment, but the GunnersoreArse Sunday Supplement can reveal it was Madame Claudine Rochefort, who lives at 69 rue de la République, Paris, 75003. She is unmarried and searching for a husband who likes the feel of cold steel on his pride and joys and she also has several electrical attachments which give immeasurable pleasure. For a small fee, demonstrations can be arranged with Madame Claudine by ringing this number: 00 09 69 69 69. Our GunnersoreArse reporter can confirm the fee is very reasonable for the service offered and on a second visit he paid 10% less with his loyalty card. However, his recent expense claims are currently being investigated by the GunnersoreArse auditors, who, along with our Editor-in-Chief, our Copy Editor, our Features Editor, the Press room boy and his mate Steve, have flown to Paris for the weekend to check out the claims with Madame Claudine.

One of Madame Claudines attachments, our reporter said this one was particularly pleasurable

Arsenal injuries blamed on inappropriate use of zipper by players…..

Further rumours of the dangerous nature of Mr Wengers zipper have recently been coming out of the Arsenal Training Ground. It has been confirmed that several injuries to team members have not been caused when playing football but the result of Arsenal players taking the offending coat and flesh-eating zipper to the toilets for a quicky without the managers knowledge.

Abou Diaby has been the worst offender, with 40+ injuries and now into his sixth year of secretly using the zipper for his own pleasure. But several other players have also been ‘victim’ to the zipper and as a consequence, Arsenal currently have the worst injury record in the Premier League. A spokesperson for the Arsenal Medical Centre said there is an ongoing investigation to find out the reasons for the unprecedented number of injuries. Mr Wenger has been banned from bringing the coat to the Training Centre and the Emirates Stadium. Since the zipper ban several players are now returning to full fitness, including Abou Diaby.

since the zipper ban Diaby is often seen trying to pleasure himself

Other teams are now fearful of Wengers zipper……..

Since the allegations against Wenger and his zipper, teams in the Premier League are now changing their tactics against the Arsenal to avoid any injuries that may arise from coming into contact with the dangloid eating fiend. Teams now park the bus, preferring safety in numbers to protect their long balls when they counter attack, and therefore avoiding the short balls now used by Arsenal players because of their experiences with the zipper.

Teams have changed their tactics against Arsenal since the zipper accusations

Judge will make decision on testicle munching zipper…..

The situation between Mr Wenger and Mr Mourinho is not over. The Chelsea manager has filed charges but a court date has yet to be fixed. The Portuguese manager is also claiming £20 million in damages for the change in his voice which has risen several octaves since the attack and the psychological effect it has had on his sex life.

Mr Wengers defence lawyers have declined to comment but have confirmed that Stan Kroenkes firm of legal advisors will represent the Arsenal manager for an estimated fee of £6m. In a press statement the Arsenal Board of Directors have stated that the KSE lawyers are the best for the job so no other law firm has been contacted but added that Season Ticket prices may have to rise to cover payment to the Arsenal shareholder.

Sir Chips Keswick said: “The £6m fee was proposed by myself and Lord Harris in respect of a wide range of legal services offered by Kroenke Sports Enterprises. They have an extensive experience and it is of utmost importance that we use it to best advantage for Mr Wengers defence. There was no competitive tender – they were available to us, so competitive tender was not needed.”

Mr Vladimir Cluckenchov, a well known lawyer for the Russian mafia and business associate of the Chelsea owner Roman Abramovitch, will be representing Mr Mourinho. It has been rumoured that Mr Abramovitch is interested in purchasing Mr Wengers zipper and cloning it for use in his chain of Pole Dancing Clubs as a cheaper and more efficient alternative to women.

Vladimir Cluckenchov (the fat fucker on the right)  photographed last week at a Moscow club owned by Roman Abramovitch.

Louis van Gaal [Broke]-backs the Portuguese manager in recent statements……..

This week the Dutch manager has supported Jose Mourinho and said: “He’s very special but he is very special to me because we’ve continued our relationship, which in the football world is not always normal. That’s nice.” He continued to say:  “Any suggestion that my Special Portuguese friend has small ballon d’ors is ludicrous, I shared a shower with him on many occasion when we were at Barcelona together and although mine are somewhat larger, I can assure you his are of a good size”. Mourinho responded to the praise by saying: “Don’t make me speak for half an hour about him [van Gaal]. He knows what I feel about him”.

The special relationship between the two managers has fuelled rumours of an ongoing love affair between the two men. This Sunday the two managers will be up against each other again at Old Trafford.

Louis van Gaal pictured talking to the press this week

 

Jose Mourinho and Louis van Gaal

The Dutchman and the Chelsea boss at a Gay Pride march in 2010

Wenger avoids difficult questions about his defence…….

In his most recent interview with BBC’s Jacqui Oatley, when asked about his defence Mr Wenger became very agitated, arrogant and patronising towards the reporter. When pushed on his lack of defence options, the Frenchman retorted: “I don’t know why you would come up with such a question”.

Gary Lineker was very critical of the Arsenal boss after the interview, saying that Mr Wenger should apologise to the female journalist. But the Frenchman defended his response and told reporters: “I watched it when I got home and it didn’t look bad. You ask 100 people, 99 will say it’s not bad and the hundredth will be Gary Lineker.”

Since the interview with the BBC all Arsenal players have been banned by the club from speaking with reporters.

In the meantime, Mr Mourinho has been spotted limping around the Chelsea Training ground shouting in a high-pitched voice, ” I’ve got big Ballon d’Ors and my wife can confirm that, she calls them the special ones”. But an unidentified source close to the family has exclusively told a GunnersoreArse reporter Mrs Mourinho now jokes that after the zipper attack they are:…… “the not so special one and a half.”

Mourinho limps around shouting in a high-pitched voice, “My balls are this big!”

The Chelsea boss telling Arsenal supporters that he still has two

Right, time for a glass of wine and some spicy chorizo…….. hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

In other news: Unemployment: Massive blow-Jobs on the decline in France- the statistics revealed on Page 2 by our correspondent in Provence.

On our Sports back page: Under-performing Gunners manage a 2-0 win at Sunderland despite injury problems.

GunnersoreArse, the Arsenal Sunday supplement bringing you all the football exclusives. Published every Sunday morning at 9am GMT. Only Madame Claudine can give you more satisfaction on a Sunday morning. Just phone for an appointment: 00 09 69 69 69. Calls charged at £0.69 per second plus the normal cost of your telephone provider.

A drama of Fabreg-esque proportions: Betrayal and revenge.

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

It’s interesting that on the day Fabregas joined Chelsea, I published on my blog a piece about loyalty and betrayal, total coincidence I’m afraid.

So did the prodigal son betray the Father or did the Father reject the son? On the internet, it has caused a debate of epic proportions amongst Arsenal fans. There couldn’t have been a better scenario for those who want Wenger out and from what I’ve read, the situation has even tested the most loyal of Wenger supporters. Cesc was our darling, when he left for Barcelona, despite the circumstances, he was given a fond farewell. His extra-marital affair with the Catalans was accepted and forgiven, it was in his DNA everyone believed. His chorizo was definately Spanish. But nearly everyone was agreed, if he wanted to return to the Emirates, that wouldn’t be a problem, we would welcome him back.

But now, has he truly betrayed us? He once said something like, “I will never play for another Premier League team”. But now he has gone back on his word and started an affair  with Maureen………. that slut who runs a whorehouse for a Russian gangster in the backwoods of SW6. This infidelity is really testing the Gooners fondness for Fabregas. We will never know the whole truth, but from recent reports it would seem that Wenger rejected the chance to buy him back. But did Cesc then go to Maureen out of some form of revenge?  Or was it his only other option? Was it a stab in the back because his Father rejected him? He had other offers apparently, “I considered all the other offers very carefully and I firmly believe that Chelsea is the best choice,”  We can assume they were from Man United, Man City and maybe Liverpool, possibly a couple of larger european clubs as well. In the eyes of the fans, would any of those have been better? But ultimately he chose Maureen, the bitchy one who has been the most vehement critic against Cescs’ adoptive Father. The  crazy one who at every opportunity makes snide remarks about Wenger. Will Maureen now poison Cescs’ mind against his Father, will he be saying things like, “Wenger rejected you but I took you into my bed, I have faith in you, not Arsene, he’s a loser”.

Fabregas has now gone on to say he has something to prove in the Premier League. What could we read into that? Does he mean he would like to prove himself in a PL winning team, or is it more sinister? is it a threat against his Father Arsene Wenger. Does Cesc mean to stab him in the back in an act of footballing vengeance for rejecting him? I wonder if he really thought  Arséne would accept him back with open arms, saying that all is forgiven?

The most pain is obviously being felt by Arsenal fans, the feelings of betrayal by Fabregas and the anger against Wenger for not getting him back will continue well into the new season. What reactions can we expect when Fabregas first comes back to the Emirates in the blue shirt of Chelsea? Will he be welcomed home because we have fond memories of him in the Red and White or will the daggers be out? Visiting Chelsea fans are obviously going to taunt the home support and add fuel to the fire. Most Arsenal fans are now wishing and hoping that Cesc doesn’t repeat his Arsenal form at Chelsea, hoping that Maureens tactics will not suit him.

What is going through Cescs’ head at the moment we can only summise, is he thinking, “that son of a bitch Wenger, always told me he would welcome me home but when it came down to it, he went back on his word!”  What is going through Arsénes head, “I told him not to leave us in the first place so now he can go fuck himself!” Who knows, the mind has some strange ways of reacting to situations of betrayal. What we can be sure of, these thoughts are definately going through the minds of Arsenal supporters because it’s being blasted all over twitter and the blogosphere. This situation is not over by a long shot. The debate will continue to rage into next season and beyond. If Chelsea manage to win the league next season with Cescs’ help, just pipping the Gunners to first place, perhaps with a few goals or decisive passes by Fabregas against us, who knows what the reaction will be towards Wenger for not buying him back.

From my perspective, I hope it doesn’t pan out like that, I sincerely hope we win the league of course, but I would hope also that Cesc does well at Chelsea. It’s football, players have a choice where they play and who knows what incentives Chelsea offered him, perhaps far too much for Arsenal to compete. And furthermore, Wenger had the balance of the current team to consider. However, for many fans Arséne has now put himself clearly between the cross-hairs, failure to bring in the required reinforcements needed for next season and the backlash over the Cesc situation could be substantial and nasty. And furthermore, over the last two days there have been rumours that Santi wants to go back to Spain. If he leaves and the opportunity to get Cesc back was rejected by Wenger, the fallout could be huge. Personally, I think Cesc has made a huge mistake by going to Chelsea, I don’t think Maureen will be able to get Cescs chorizo cooking! I don’t think Cesc will be able to find Maureens ‘G’ spot! It won’t be long before a seperation is on the cards and the bitch will be throwing him out of the house and Fabregas will have to find another lover.

I go back to my last post about fan loyalty, I don’t think we can expect players to have the same passionate loyalty to a club as we do. Money and circumstances play a big role in a players career. Cesc has said, “They (Chelsea) have an amazing squad of players and an incredible manager. I am fully committed to this team and I can’t wait to start playing,”  We probably heard him say similar about the Arsenal and Wenger. He probably said it about Barca. I wonder if in the future, if Barcelona decide they want him back in Spain, would we then hear Fabregas saying once again, “Barca are in my blood, they are in my DNA and I want to go back home”. Players can be as fickle as the fans. It’s no different from infidelity and love affairs, you leave your spouse for someone else and a few months later your wife says to you, “I forgive you, I’ll have you back, please come home” and you do, you return. But for how long, because when your mistress phones you a couple of months after and says, “I love you, I want you, you’re the best lover I’ve ever had”……. you leave your wife again and return to your mistress. It’s human nature and the only difference for football players is they are not being offered sex and love, they are being offered millions of pounds.

 

Right, time for a glass of wine and some chorizo….. hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

Don’t forget, GunnersoreArse still goes out over the blogoshere every Sunday morning at 9am GMT. I had a slight blip this week, posting on Thursday….. but I’ve spoken with my psychiatrist and she has put me on some new medication, so I’m back to normal now.