…… there was a loyal and goodly King named Arsènio.
He ruled over the Empire of Arsenaldonia, in the Fiefdom of Highbury that was part of the Great Kingdom of Engeland. Arsènio had ruled since a time when poverty and strife had engulfed the hamlet, which is a very long time, but in his knightly endeavours he had brought prosperity and fame to the people of the region. He had led a mighty invincible army into battle against evil warlords such as Fergie the Red Nose and José the Favoured, son of Wanker the III. King Arsènio had also built a magnificent new Palace and improved the surrounding village. It was truly a wonderful Empire, a magnificent sight to behold.
And so it came about that Arsènio and his great Arsenaldonian army had conquered all before them, they were celebrated throughout the land and they brought joy and wonderment to the people of Arsenaldonia. He was worshiped by his people and became a legend.
The building of the Palace had come at a price however and King Arsenio found himself restricted by debt and was unable to continue to build his army with the best and bravest of knights.
As time passed during this period, some of the Kings most faithful and skilful knights became disillusioned and weary of his tactics and poor incentives, Sir Cescanus the Back Stabber, Sir Van Persious the treacherous, Sir Bacarus the Unworthy and Sir Clichymus the Disloyal were not content to stay and serve their King for little reward and so they searched the land for more adventurous warlords and Kings to serve under, they were bewitched by Overlords who would pay them handsomely for their services. Hence began an exodus of men who betrayed Arsènio for more gold and they were labelled as traitors to the Fiefdom of Highbury.
During the same period rich and evil Overlords entered the Great Kingdom of Engeland from far off lands and paid large sums of gold to some of the other fiefdoms of the land, enabling them to build bigger and better armies. These new armies, now with unlimited gold were then able to challenge the hold that Arsènio had over the Kingdom of Engeland and his weakened forces were soon over-run and defeated.
Fergie the Red Nose, José the Favoured and a new warlord named Manuel de Peligronius became the most powerful Warlords in the land, supported and funded by Rich Overlords, they won many battles and shared the gold proceeds between them and hence leaving the goodly King Arsènio with nothing, his days of glory seemingly over.
Then a saviour arrived in the Fiefdom of Highbury, Stan the Wig of Usa, he was a rich and powerful Overlord from a far and distant land over the big sea to the West, he came with a very large pot of gold and the people of Arsenaldonia believed that their fortunes would take a turn for the better with his arrival.
This was not to be the case, instead it transpired that Stan the Wig was very evil and only interested in his own greed and far from using his gold to the benefit of the fiefdom of Highbury, he took the profit from the taxes for his own gain and advancement, increasing his wealth and buying large feudal estates in his own far off land.
It wasn’t long before King Arsènios’ once faithful people started to turn against him and the rich greedy overlord Stan the Wig, there were rumours circulating that a large pot of Gold was being horded in the Palace and that Stan the Wig was manipulating King Arsenio. The populace were becoming more outspoken about the methods of the rulers and how they ruled, the taxes were being increased and they saw no benefit and the army of Arsenaldonia stayed weak and ineffectual, losing battle after battle, year after year.
There was the smell of revolution in the air. It permeated the Palace and the surrounding village, it turned brother against brother, it caused rifts in families and groups. The citizens started to refuse paying the taxes, they withheld their support of the army, gangs roamed the streets shouting obscene things about their rulers and the knights, even going as far as demanding the heads of good King Arsenio and devious Stan the Wig.
King Arsènio and his council of advisors were constantly telling the people that they had no large pot of gold in the Palace, that it was just a vicious rumour started by their enemies, gossip mongers and harbingers of doom. They told the citizens to be patient and in time things would get better, meanwhile, Stan the Wig stayed silent, hording his wealth and fleecing the local population with higher taxes and profiting from battles in Europe.
But the population of Arsenaldonia wanted glory and they started to talk about a possible uprising and so they turned to another rich Overlord, a man with even more gold than Stan the Wig, to lead them in a take over. His name was Usmanov the Ugly from Belarusia, a mysterious kingdom in the East. He had been an original supporter of King Arsènio and his army but had gradually become unhappy with the deterioration of the Fiefdom and the Army, he was a outspoken critic of evil Stan the Wig and was now ready to lead the people to revolution and a take over. He promised the population that he would change the way things were run, he would invest his gold to make the army powerful again and bring back the glory and wealth to the Empire of Arsenaldonia.
And so it came about, revolution ensued, it was vicious and bloody, it tore the region apart, and a few years passed before Usmanov the Ugly was finally victorious. King Arsènio was deposed and Stan the Wig returned to his homeland with all the gold he had accumulated.
A new King, Anonymous the Unknown, was crowned and a new army was rapidly formed. The region settled down and awaited the glory…………….. but nothing happened, the army had been hastily put together by the new King Anonymous using much of the horded gold and under the spell of Usmanov the Ugly who wanted it done his way, and thus they continued to lose battles and so even more gold was invested but to no avail, the army was a shambles, full of mercenaries who had been bought to fight in the army but they were only interested in being paid handsomely in gold, not the glory, so the taxes rose even higher and eventually the citizens of Arsenaldonia found out that Usmanov the Ugly was in fact an evil sorcerer, no different than Stan the Wig and he was sharing the profits and the taxes with the new King and the council of advisors.
The region decended into ruin and poverty, the magnificent Palace fell into disrepair, the streets were filthy and running with effluent, and pestilence spread throughout the Fiefdom of Highbury. A temporary King was appointed by the people, David of Moyes, but he was not of the knightly calibre of the goodly King Arsènio and it wasn’t long before the Arsenaldonian army were eventually condemned to a land where they became just ghosts of their former selves, battling against lesser armies from Fiefdoms such as Morecombe, Hartlepool and Wycombe.
Usminov the Ugly fled the Great Kingdom of Engeland in great haste with very large pots of Gold, never to return and the people of Arsenaldonia were left without the glory they had wished for, infact, they were even poorer than before the revolution and were left wondering whether they had made the right choice……………………. and then a great sage visited the Fiefdom of Highbury, a wise and mystical man called Northbankious the Sixty -Niner, from Avignonium, in the Kingdom of Francophilia, and he travelled the length and breadth of the region and he preacheth with great conviction to the people……………”my friends and fellow Arsenaldonians” he said, “in the future, be careful what you wish for………..”
NOTE from the Guv’nor: Starting today the GunnersoreArse blog will be a Leicester City blog until the end of the season, anyone who disagrees is truly not an Arsenal supporter of the right calibre so you can Piss Off. Come on you Fucking Foxes……