GunnersoreArse…… resurrected!

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog… being blogged 918.74 kms (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

Well here we are then, smooth as ever!

When I decided to stop doing this blog a couple of months ago it wasn’t because I’d given up, it was purely based on the fact I had a shit internet connection and wasn’t able to maintain a connection long enough to write a 800-1000 word article. However, I now have a decent network wi-fi connection and have decided to bring the Weekly Smut infested Arsenal Tabloid back to life. I sincerely hope that the few faithful followers and commentators who contributed before, return to enliven the blog with their humour, intellect and photos of naked women bearing their breasts.

So the new season will be upon us in three weeks time, but before the home game against West Ham we have the small matter of the Emirates Cup and then the Community Shield game against the Chavs.  Will this be the opportunity to break the Maureen hoodoo? With the talk currently emanating from the mouths of some of our players, the title could be ours this season, which would mean we have to beat the Chavs, City and United along the way. Old Petra, 33 in years and 33 on his back is being highlighted as one reason for such optimism, could one player make such a difference? Could he instil more confidence in the defence and the team in general? could he possibly keep more clean sheets than TPIG and Ospina?

All speculation but enjoyable none the less. Will be strange however, to see that helmet in the Arse!

We have lifted our first piece of silverware in the last few days, the Asia Cup is now in the trophy room alongside our two recent FA Cups. Only friendlies of course but the game against Everton was more of a premier League game than just a friendly and we put in a good shift, with the pundits being surprised at how well prepared we looked.

So what other speculation and rumour is doing the rounds in the gossip mags and on the blogs. Too many to even contemplate on here, though the need for backup to Le Coq au Vin is high on the list of priorities and the need for another striker who could bag us 25-30 goals in a season is not far behind on that list. Personally I’d like to see Lacazette come to the Emirates, not a glamorous £60m curly haired male model type player, but instinctive in front of goal, has a lethal right foot and is not afraid to take a punt from 30 yards. I like him!

You can keep your Cavanis, Foulcows, Benzemas and Higuans, all over-priced and over-rated….. but give me Alexandre Lacazette and I would be a happy bunny, 27 goals in 33 league games in Ligue 1 is not to be sniffed at that’s for sure. He reminds me of Thierry and I’m sure he has watched loads of videos of our Arsenal legend to improve his attacking play. And speaking of Thierry, he got some press time this week saying.

“I still think they (Arsenal) need four players to get closer to Chelsea.”

What four players he didn’t elaborate, nor did he mention in what positions we needed these four players! So read nothing into it, just the media having a laugh.

Onto other teams news, Liverpool have got rid of Sterling for…… £49m, just couldn’t believe that. City has bought a dud me thinks, another Andy Carrol maybe? Makes me wonder how much our Theo would be worth in today’s market?

Loo is Van Girl apparently has £300m plus burning a hole in his trousers pocket, to spend on idiotic purchases and I sincerely think that he will blow it all on rubbish. Sniddyland and Schwienkopf have already been purchased, one is past it and the other really hasn’t proved much at Southampton, wasted money I think.

Stoke are aiming high in the transfer window and they have a mission statement, ‘Europe or bust’. Ha ha ha, best joke I’ve heard this year. Chavs seem to be fairly quiet on the transfer front, Foulcow on loan and possibly Bergovic to replace Petra, but nothing else seems to be happening in the wastelands of SW6.

And lets just take a look into the deep shadows of N17, a new stadium planned, or should I say toilet! And because it will apparently hold a few hundred more fans than the Emirates they are spouting that it is bigger… bloody twats. My advice is don’t hold your breath and if it does finally get built, look on the bright side, just remember how our trophy winning days were put on hold after the expense of building the Emirates, which probably means that when the new Shite Hart Lane construction is complete, the Spuds will probably be relegated. There were reports yesterday that the Spuds request to use Wembley during the construction of their new toilet had been turned down and now there could be a possibility of them sharing our hallowed ground in N5. I sincerely hope this is a joke rumour, no way do we want them anywhere near the Ems, let them play in Milton Keynes or share the Olympic stadium with West Ham, much more appropriate.

Back to more interesting stuff… The Gunners. It would seem from all reports that our best signing this year has not been a player, but a Paddy physio. Some are suggesting that he will be able to perform miracles and keep all our players fit, all of the time and all together. The last time I read about someone like that it was in the Bible. Well if he could win ze World Cup for ze Germans perhaps he can win the CL for us!

So three weeks to go, a period where we are all full of hope and optimism (well most of us anyway), a new season and a renewed push for honours. Although I would love to see us win the Champions League, as much for Monsieur Vengers sake as much as for my own desires, I still think that that will be a bridge too far with our current players. However, and I seriously mean this, I can envisage us doing the League and Cup double, and in the process making history with a third FA Cup in a row….. now wouldn’t that get up the noses of Van Pervy, Nasri and co.

Meanwhile, over in Russia… our Frimpong has been sanctioned for giving the finger to fans who were shouting racist abuse at him.

Ufa general director Shamil Gazizov said his club would not be calling for Spartak to be punished, describing it as an “unfortunate incident”.

“There were people who could have shouted things. These are emotions which go away after the game. We are partners with the red and whites and are on good terms,” he said.

“What Frimpong did was wrong. Sometimes you even have to hold back the tears and just put up with it.”

But in March former head of Russian football Vyacheslav Koloskov said too much is made of racism in the country and has also questioned why monkey chants are assumed to be racist. Do these people live in a bubble?

This is where quite a few black players will be playing in the 2018 World Cup! No wonder they are thinking of boycotting it.

Final business of the day: The blog is as before, everything is acceptable unless the Editorial team or one of the contributors/commentators says differently. Smut is allowed but keep it within reason (you wankers out there know who you are). No close up photos of Labia or crutch parts! The blog will continue to be published as before, every Sunday morning at or around 9am BST (Illness, natural disasters, civil unrest, world war, alcohol abuse, police arrest or imprisonment permitting). Come back guys and girls, to the warm glow of a Gunners Sore Arse, contribute and make your Arsenal life more interesting, you know it makes sense.

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Transfer rumours, Lust and ……………….. Betty Rubble

Welcome to the GunnersoreArse blog. Being blogged 918.74 kilometers (in a straight line) from the Emirates Stadium.

So here we are then, smooth as ever! My second blog post. I can hear Yogi now, “What a mug, he’s gone back for more”.

Posted nice and early this bright and sunny Sunday morning to allow certain ‘factions’ to battle it out for FIRST place. I’ve put Betty in the title because……. well, just because, and it meant I could use an image of her!

I wonder if the telephone lines at the Emirates have been busy this week? That £150m/£100m/£50m (depending on where you get your information) must be burning a hole in Arsènes pocket.  Six  briefcases full of used £50 notes are sitting on his desk, the minders look like Mike Tyson and Lenny McLean and the tea lady has been dusting them several times a day just in case  (not the minders….. the briefcases)

The executive jet is on the tarmac, fuelled and ready to go at a minutes notice. Actually, in Arsènes world, one of bargain basement purchases, it’s a single engine Cessna bought second hand at the Romford aerodrome annual sale.

Transfer rumours have linked us with several players over the past few weeks….. and if you were to believe what some pundits and journos have been saying, then next season the Arsenal will have Griezemam, Costa and Falcao ready to run amok in the Premier League. Fabregas will probably be bought as well, but only to be used in the League cup  and to cover for any injuries. Oh, the madness of the transfer season is upon us! Deep joy. I can imagine Arsenal supporters the world over, getting out of bed at silly o’clock every morning and before having their first cup of coffee or slice of chorizo, they browse the BBC Gossip pages on the internet to see who we’ve bought. I do that, so I can imagine a few others do as well.

Rumours, where do they come from and what purpose do they serve? Well, they generally increase and have more currency during times of uncertainty and doubt (replace “times of uncertainty and doubt” for: “Arsenals transfer window”) and then you get a good picture of what a lot of Gooners experience from late May to early September. We’ve all done it haven’t we…. come on, own up. A little bit of hope, a little bit of, “now he would be a Juicy Lucy signing, can we get him please Mr Wenger”, ..drool drool dribble dribble! Lust and desire emanating from every pore in your body. Wilfried ‘willy’ Boni takes on a whole new meaning! We get a hard on, well, the Goonerettes don’t, they have their own version. Wasn’t there a band called We..       ……….. ahh better not, that would lower the tone of the blog!

2014-05-24 16:21:09

So, returning to rumours, phew! Calm yourself Northbank, get a grip! Right, where was I, oh yeah, something horny, oh no, no, it was rumours, yes, rumours……..for football fans, they serve no actual useful purpose at all, not one incy, teeny weeny little bit. Oh ok, perhaps they do, because don’t we just love reading who we might get this summer. Fantasizing  and lusting over how the team might line up on the first day of the PL, how with those players there is no way we’re not gonna win the title, the CL and the FA Cup, slaughter every team we play against, Mourinho eat your f**king heart out….. that’s what rumours do to us, get us wound up and hopeful …….. but for what, just to be let down, feeling disappointed and frustrated come September. When I was younger we used to call some girls p***k teasers. That’s a transfer rumour, it gets you drooling at the mouth and all excited, a quick feel maybe, even a wet finger, but then it leads to nothing more substantial, leaving you unfulfilled, limp and dribbling into your own underwear.

Lust is an intense attraction to something you desire and is notorious for overriding common sense and intuition in the most sensible of people. It is an altered state of consciousness programmed by a primal urge. Studies have shown that the brain in this state is much like a brain on drugs. So now we can understand why our common sense disappears when we lust after possible transfer targets. No wonder it’s been coined on some blogs as ‘Transfer Porn’.

A rumour by definition is information yet to be proven true or false, it often ends with confirming or disproving facts. But you all knew that anyway, didn’t you? A substantial amount of incorrect data and exaggerated media coverage progresses with alacrity these days and thanks to the internet and twitter feeds, it is instantaneous. The creation and spread of rumours and misinformation, especially in the context of a moral panic, is a well known social process. TV and Radio pundits, sports journalists and blogs often construct explanations to fill in missing information and offer speculative rumours. These rumours then take on a life of their own. Just think back to when you used to play chinese whispers, some details get eliminated, other information becomes highlighted and all the while filtered through the participants selective personalities, biases and situations.

 We don’t know for sure who is spreading the questionable news and writing the twitter feeds, or what makes the experts on Talksport or the BBC so expert. To deal with rumours requires an assessment of the credentials and biases of those who are disseminating the information.  The press ultimately need to sell copy, or on the internet, get hits on their sites. They use rumours within the transfer market to lure you in, they don’t care whether the rumour has substance or not, it’s not in their interests to worry about that, they just need to fill the pages. And if they can’t fill the pages, then damn lies and misinformation will surffice. And we are the mugs who hang on to every word and hope that there may be some substance to the rumour. Getting sucked into the whole merry-go-round.

I know I’m an idiot to go through all the rumours about potential Arsenal signings, I know how the press manipulate us with incorrect and exaggerated data, I know I shouldn’t get caught up in the speculation and hope that we may buy some “super dooper mega footballing acrobatic genius who will score 50 goals in a season sort of bloke”. But like so many, I’m weak, I’m lustful, I’m hopeful and I want my team to have the best possible players available. Therefore, I will sadly continue peeking into the gossip columns despite my better judgement.

I do enjoy the excitement  of doing it though, but as a consequence, I’ll have to accept the let down and disappointment, just like I had to with the girls when I was 16 years old……. dribble dribble! Now where’s my clean underwear!

Right, time for a glass of wine and some chorizo………….. hope you enjoyed your visit. Until the next time.

à bientôt

Note from the management team:  Sunday mornings 9am GMT.  This will be the regular spot for GunnersoreArse. Make a note in your diary…. you know it makes sense.